O.D.D.

***Disclaimer***

It is not the intention of this post or its author to trivialize an actual mental disorder or to make fun of persons who struggle with a mental disorder. The author of this post is just trying to explain and understand her uncontrollable desire to "give the bird" to anyone and everyone who tells her what to do.


The beautiful thing about the internet is there is no longer a need for one to go to a Dr. for a diagnosis. Based on some recent self realizations and Google Health I have determined that I have O.D.D.

Oppositional defiant disorder (O.D.D.) - a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures.

Symptoms include:

• Actively does not follow adults' (or lifegurds') requests
  
• Angry and resentful of others
• Argues with adults (or the miniature bosses that run this house)
  
• Loses temper
  
• Spiteful or seeks revenge
• Touchy or easily annoyed

So here are the recent events that have lead me to believe that O.D.D. just might be my problem.

Story #1
Getting All Up in a 15 Year Old Lifeguard's Grill

Actually this little story is the second time I have almost come to blows with a lifeguard at the city pool. The rules at our city pool are ridiculous or redickless as one of my old high school students spelled it. (thought you'd appreciate that Julianne)

I was going to explain all the back story, but it got long and tedious so here is the gist of it. We had moved out to chest deep water because I had a bloody ankle from being stomped on in the kiddie pool and some monster 13 year old had trampled MB. I had the baby and Hubby and I were passing the other 2 back and forth between us. The Lifeguard told us it was not acceptable for one adult to be holding 2 kids. Rather than being rational adult who understands that the rules may be stupid, but they are the rules and getting in a fight with a teenager about them is juvenile, I freaked out.

"Why!?!"

The lifeguard looked at me with a disbelieving, I can't believe some parents are so stupid, look and replied, "Because it is dangerous."

"What do you think I am going to drop one of my children and not notice? Do you think this is anymore dangerous than letting them be trampled to death by a herd of moron 13 year old boys which you allow to run through the kiddie pool? Or hey, check out that kid bouncing to his death because you don't have a rope separating the kiddie pool from the deep end."

At this point Hubby started slinking away, trying to join the crowd of spectators.

"I am leaving! I am never coming back to this pool! Your rules are idiotic! Where is your boss?"

I stomped off. Well, when you stomp off in a pool, it kinds of loses its effect. Once all the onlookers had gotten bored, Hubby rejoined me and talked me back down to sanity, which is his role in our marriage. If it weren't for him, there would be a body count by now.

Story #2
Testimony Meeting Rebellion

(More disclaimer: Guy at Church is a fantastic guy, his wife is awesome. I am the one with the problem.) Guy at church makes an analogy about mistakes, comparing mistakes in life to putting hymn books in the holders the wrong direction. He told us to put the books in correctly to prevent damage to the spine. Just because he said something about it, I could not bring myself to reach up and turn the books in front of me. I looked around and everyone was obediently turning their books to the correct position. Very sneaky like, while no one was watching me, I reached up and turned all the hymn books on my pew upside down.

Story #3
In Which I Wanted to Stab Myself in the Eye With a Binky (hey it was all I had on hand) During the Parent Meeting for DQ's School

My little kindergartner, DQ, will be attending a smarty pants charter school starting next Monday. The school has uniforms, which already has me a little chaffed. But from what I understand the regular public schools are atrocious, so I am comprising my beliefs in individuality to hopefully get a better education for my kid. It better be worth it.

During the meeting they go through all the uniform rules. Shirt must be from Such -N- Such Screen Printers with school logo. Pants must Dickie Brand black. During the winter, any sweatshirts or long sleeve undershirts must be in the approved colors, black, green, gray or white. At this point my eyes are rolling and the bile is rising.

Jewelry will be kept to a minimum, no large hoops or dangle earrings. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Then the snack and lunch policy.
"The following items will not be permitted in a child’s snack or lunch:

Soda, diet soda

Candy or candy bars
Cookies, brownies, cupcakes, cake, etc. (100 calorie packs are acceptable)
Pop Tarts
Gum

Prohibited snacks will be sent home unopened with the scholar and an alternative snack
will be provided for that day."

I almost stood up and yelled. "If Andrew brings Pop Tarts to school, they'll all bring pop tarts to school. It'll be ANARCHY!" Instead I just rolled my eyes some more, swallowed the rising bile, and started staring at a really interesting dot on the ceiling.

Okay, I understand they don't want kid's to be all sugared up at school and they want them to eat healthy foods, thus hopefully breaking the cycle of obesity in America. I agree with all that, but just because they made a rule and wrote it out in their handbook, makes me want to send DQ to school with a box of Twinkies and secretly pass them to all her classmates at recess.

I have a problem!

This is for those of you who did not get the earlier reference because you don't have Breakfast Club memorized as I do. (Okay, I have most 80's teen flicks memorized. I know, I know, I have a problem. More than one apparently.)

The quote you need to hear is at 2:30ish.

Ha!

MB just tried to end an argument by counting to 3.

MB: I sleeping on couch!

Me: No, you're sleeping in your bed.

MB: Yes

Me: No

MB: YES

Me: No

MB: I SLEEPING ON COUCH! 1 . . . 2 . . . 3!

Joys of Motherhood Revisited

A long time ago I wrote this top 10 list. I decided it was time for an update.

10. When Monkey Boy screams, "I WANT CAKE!!!" with his big bawling snake mouth over and over and over and over again the entire time I am in the grocery store.

9. Stepping on those effing LeapFrog magnetic alphabet blocks. Why the Hell did I buy that thing?!? It's not like Drama Queen can practice spelling with it. 90% of the blocks are under the fridge and the other 10% are under my feet.

8. Happy Angel Baby head-butts on the bridge of my nose.

7. Barbie movies. Listen to the lovely song that ends up on repeat in my head. And just when it stops, Drama Queen starts singing it again. Love that harmony. It is so shrill it makes my hair stand on end.

6. Pee!

5. Little trails of baby vomit.

4. Sharing my bed, and my pillow with a barely potty trained little boy. M.B. routinely gets up at 4 am, shuffles to the end of our bed, grabs my big toe to pull himself up onto the bed, and then smashes himself next to me for the rest of the night. Hubby gets his half of the bed all to himself. Monkey Boy lays as close to me as possible, I scoot a little for some breathing room, and he scoots even closer, plastering his sweaty little body to me. I am left gripping the edge of the mattress trying not to roll off onto my night stand.

3. Trying to diaper and clothe an octopus baby who is doing an alligator death roll.

2. "Fetch Mom, Fetch! Good girl!" Angel baby loves this game. Usually he plays this when I am distracted, talking to the receptionist at the Dr.'s office or something. I give him a toy to keep him occupied, he throws it on the floor, I bend down and pick it up, I hand it back to him, he throws it on the floor. This usually goes on at least 5 times before I realize what is going on. By this time the receptionist or whoever I am trying to carry on a conversations with is looking at me like I am a complete moron and justifiably so.

1. Holding DQ on my lap, she looks up at me with lovey eyes and says, "I love you so much!" then with confusion, pointing to my chin, "I thought girls don't get hairs on their chins."

Everything I Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned at Petsmart

Only a few months after Hubby and I got married, I decided I needed a puppy. We justified this by believing that Jackson (Hubby's Dog) needed a friend because we were gone a lot. Now we have two monster beasts tearing up our backyard and costing a small fortune in dog food. I sometimes regret getting that second dog and I will admit there have been a few times, after they worked together to rip a new hole in their metal kennel, run way, and made me chase them down, I have considered kicking them into oncoming traffic. But even after all that, I truly believe training and owning a dog prepares you for parenthood.

Really if you think about it there isn't that much difference between a 3 year old and a dog. Dogs pee all over your house, 3 year olds pee all over your house. Dogs ruin your furniture, 3 year olds jump, climb, draw on and yes mine even chews on the furniture. Dogs don't understand the majority of the things you ask them to do, 3 year olds understand but, choose not to do what you ask them to do. Dogs stink, 3 year olds (especially boys) stink. Dogs sniff your crotch, Okay, my 3 year old doesn't sniff my crotch, but he is the perfect height for a good headbutt in the crotch.

When I got my puppy, my hubby thought I should take a puppy class at Petsmart because I had never trained a dog before. The lessons I learned there have proven to be invaluable. If you are thinking about having kids, borrow someone's dog and take a class. If you have particularly unruly young children, perhaps you could just take them to puppy class and the other participants wouldn't notice or may just wonder what breed you had.

If you can't get to a class here are some of the key lessons I learned from Petsmart Puppy Class:

* You are the master. You have to establish dominance in the relationship. If you don't, you might as well throw in the proverbial towel.

* You shouldn't beat them to make them behave.

* Good behavior and tricks are taught by consistent rewards i.e. treats or bribes. Be honest, if you are a parent you have taught your offspring tricks in order to show off how amazing, smart or adorable they are.

* Success takes continual practice and consistency.

* Don't get sucked into their games. e.g. Chasing a dog that is running away from you accomplishes nothing because the dog thinks it is a game.
**The teacher actually told us when the dog runs away, you should lay face down and the dog will think you are hurt and come to you. Yes, I have lain face down on a stranger's front lawn before, but that is a story for another time.

* When you are reprimanding them, use a loud growl-y voice, like a mean dog. This works especially well with children!

Some commands that work equally well with dogs and children:

"Stay" "Sit" "Heel" "Leave it!" "Play Dead"