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Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010 Resolution Reckoning

Last year I made 2 New Year's Resolutions 1) stop being a judgmental jack wad and 2) to live a life less processed. On the Eve of the Eve of the New Year, I am reflecting on my progress.

Things I learned while trying to not be a judgmental jack wad:

1. Women can't help but gossip and trash talk each other. As I tried really hard to eliminate this negative talk from my life, I became oh so much more aware when other women talked dirt and they all did, all the time. We all joke about men having an innate need to unzip their pants to see if they measure up, but women are just as bad. Rather than comparing bra size or something we measure cleanliness of house and orderly behavior of offspring, and we do it because we are all insecure. Trust me, that woman, you idolize, who can do anything, has an immaculate house, makes cute stuff, can bake mouth watering tasties, and has amazing children, she is insecure. She doesn't think she cuts it, and she compensates for this by over achieving in everything. I think God made us this way, otherwise we wouldn't get or stay married. Those handsome hotties we are married to complete us, lift us up, and make us feel okay about ourselves. If we already felt okay about ourselves, were absolutely confident, we wouldn't need them. And just like women have built in insecurity, men have built in hero syndrome. They want to rescue their damsel in distress from really big spiders, toilets that don't work and her own self loathing. Men need to be needed. It is all a delicate balance.

2. Some people go together like bare feet and dog poo, overall it just isn't a pleasant experience for either party.

In the beginning, I was amazed at the variety of friends I accumulated. I had friends that home school their children, that own all of Glen Beck's books, I even had friends who think that Diet Coke (Sweet Nectar of the Gods) tastes like battery acid. This all lasted until about March, when I realized something. Though I can accept that people have differing perspectives on life, liberty, sanctity and the pursuit of happiness, and that their perspectives are just a valid as mine, I still can't be honest to goodness friends with everyone. There are just some differences that can't be bridged by happy thoughts or bloody bitten tongues. Frequently I came home from a forced conversation with a group of other preschool moms and would rant on their bass ackward stupidity for the rest night to my husband, poor man. He was my only outlet (see original terms of resolution). So, in order to preserve his sanity and mine, I returned to some of my judgemental jack wad ways and put some of my old barriers back up.

In the end, I am far more accepting than I used to be, though there is definitely room for improvement. I have acquired some amazing friends I am not sure I would have given a chance before. I refuse to continue close relationships with people whose perspective is in such contrast to my own that we both just make each other mad or feel bad about ourselves.

Things I learned while trying to live a life less processed.

1. A kitchen counter cleaner made with baking soda, castile soap, and tea tree oil works pretty well. (Clorox wipes are still my best friend.)

2. Homemade laundry detergent is cheap and works.

3. Homemade dish washer detergent still sucks. I thought I had it figured out, but really it sucks. On the bright and spotless side though, the whole dish washer detergent fiasco brought me Lemi-shine.

4. I am too poor to go organic.

5. No matter how hard I try, Hubby still loves his Bologna and hot dogs.

6. We are chicken killers (we only have one left)

7. Hooray for Co-ops

8. Cloth Diapers are actually easy, especially if your kid is perpetually constipated.

9. Gardening in Arizona sucks.

Overall, in all honesty, I am not much less processed than I was last year at this time. I haven't given up though. We still have our lonely chicken and our sad, little garden that only produces midget food.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A 3 Year Old's Version of the Nativity

I was busy in the kitchen and Monkey Boy was happily playing with the Little People Nativity, when the words, "I ki-yull you!" caught my attention. I then heard the thumping sound of plastic on plastic and looked over to see two of the wisemen duking it out. Awesome, the 3 year old boy version of the Nativity apparently involves some UFC action.




So, I listened some more.

Little Chinese Wisman: "Aaaahhhhhh, I falling!" Chinese Wiseman is shoved off the shelf by Black Wiseman. Falls in slow motion to a spectacular death on the floor. All the nativity jumps off the shelf to rescue him, but fighting ensues.

A fighting song begins. "Dup Dup Dup, Dup Dup Dup" (to the tune of Jingle bells)

White Wiseman: to Black Wiseman You are mean, and I am nice

More fighting until all characters are laying in a lifeless pile.

Enter Cindrella's Fairy Godmother. Fairy Godmother flies over the fallen Nativity sprinkling magic down.

Fairy Godmother: Sssshhhhhhh, Ssssshhhhhh, Up, up, up, to the clouds. She carries each figure up to safety on the shelf above the manger.

Joseph: Wo, We way up here!

All that is left on the Nativity shelf is the Stable, a goat and a cart. God mother goes to the Stable and pushes it off,

Godmother: Push Push Push

She then hops on goat who is carrying a cart and jumps off to the floor.

Godmother: Wo, that was fun, Wee.

The rest of the character follow from the top shelf back down to the floor.

Mary: gesturing to the food in the cart and speaking to Black Wiseman Eat a fish?

Black Wiseman: Fish is poison, you want a cherry?

Angel: I do. um um um.

Camel: While stomping the hell out of everyone AH! AH! AH! AH!

Mary and Angel continue to eat cherries.

Baby Jesus takes a bite too and is followed by Joseph, a sheep, and the donkey.

All: hiccup hiccup

Monkey Boy: They're hiccups.

Enter baby brother, Angel Baby. AB puts manger back on the shelf and runs away with the food and cart. Monkey Boy follows. Growling from the hall way. MB drags AB back and takes the toys. MB piles up all the toys and sits on them.

Monkey Boy: You can't find them ever, ever, ever. I play with them and you don't. That I just say.

THE END