I Could Write a Book!

I have a hard time with stupidity. Stupid parents are the hardest for me to deal with. That was the hardest part of teaching, watching stupid parents do a crap job of raising their children, turning them into stupids too. And then the stupid children get pregnant at 15 and become stupid parents themselves.

A few days ago I was discussing a stupid parent with a friend. I went home and couldn't sleep. I fantacized about calling the mom up, "I know you don't know me, but you, my friend, are a moron"

So, to combat stupid parents everywhere I think I should write a book. I mean I am just as much an expert as the crazy Christian guy who wrote the Babywise books or some child psychotherapist who has only read about children in books, but doesn't actually have any of his own. (Does anyone know if that Ferber guy has kids?) ( And seriously "Ferberization"? It sounds like the process by which creepy animated animal toys hypnotize small children into doing some evil mastermind's bidding)

In my book I will include chapters on ground breaking parenting technics like "Lock Yourself in the Bathroom and Enjoy a Popsicle While your Kids Scream at the Door" and "Sick of you Kids Demanding your Attention? Why Don't you Pop in a Disney Movie?"

I have already started on the quick reference lists I will include in the appendixes. Here is a sample:

Appendex I : Fantastic Empty Threats.

"Get in here before I beat your butt off!"

"If you don't clean up this mess you are never watching TV again in your life!"

"Stay in your bed and go to sleep or I am going to tie you to it!"

Appendex II : Quick Motivators

Use bribes whenever possible. "If you get in the car without throwing a fit in the parking lot, we can go to QT and get you a 32 oz. slushy."

Repeat your requests at least 3 times in a row using screaming hysterical voice. "Move it! Move it! Move it!"

Shake your fist in a threatening manner.

I am positive that with the implementation of my scientifically proven* parenting technics, your kids will turn out self confident, well adjusted, and you can live a life minimally interrupted by their needs.

*The author of this book is not actually a scientist, but she did use the highly acclaimed scientific method on her own children. She learned this scientific method during her studies at Hazelton Elementary.