Frogs Must Lead Frustrating Lives

We were trying to get our brood out the door and into the car. Most frustrating task of parenthood, right up there with checking out at the supermarket. Whoever thought it was a good idea to fill the checkout isle with candy and toys should be put in front of a firing squad.

I digress. Anyway, Monkey Boy did not want to put pants on, put shoes on or leave the couch. He wanted to watch Dora.

He was so angry he could no longer form coherent requests. He shouted in frustration, "DO DAMMIT!" and stormed away from his barely able to control their snickers parents.

In order to exonerate himself of any blame, my husband asked MB about his choice of words Yes, I am obviously the parent who is responsible for enriching my children's vocabulary with swears.

Hubby asked, "Who says Dammit?"

Monkey Boy replied, "Frogs."

I guess I am off the hook for this one!

I Hate Valentine's Day. . .

10. because people pronounce it ValentiMes.

9. because stuffed animals are stupid, especially when they are holding hearts or kissing.

8. because putting stuffed animals inside a giant balloon doesn't make them cooler.

7. because I have to buy and fill out 20+ stupid little pieces of paper for DQ's classmates.

6. because DQ gets 20+ very "precious" pieces of paper from school that she will not let me throw away.

5. because phrases like, "The beauty of these roses cannot match the beauty and depth of the love I feel for you" or "Flowers today, Fireworks tonight!" make me barf a little in my mouth.

4. because most chocolates that come in cardboard hearts are gritty.

3. because with the money spent on a dozen roses that will die in 2 days, you could feed a small country.

2. because white conversation hearts changed and now taste like soap instead of yummy

1. because the red and pink lacy lingerie displays in every store remind you that you now have 3 kids and by the time they are all in bed, you are way to tired for such exotic shenanigans.

Delinquent Version of an Apology

It's little things like this that keep me from going insane at my job.

Funny teaching moment #1

I overheard one of our students ask, "How do you spell "wore"?

Another student mockingly laughs and replies, "Huh-huh, you don't know how to spell "wore"!? W-H-O-R. Duh!"

Funny teaching moment #2

Little 15 year old, oh let's call him Jimmy, got written up and kicked out of math class for about the bazillionth time. We are running out of "Respect your Teachers" and "Choices Lead to Consequences" speeches. None of the speeches, parent conferences, or suspensions have been able to reach his purple hazed brain to make any kind of difference. So, my principal thought instead of wasting her time on yet another lecture, maybe he could spend time reflecting and writing a letter of apology to the math teacher.

Here it is:

Dear Mr. Math Teacher,

im sorry for interupting class even though most of the time i wasn't talking. I hate how you look around at everyone who is talking and screwing around but yet wait till i start talking or screwing around, you write me up. Im sorry for not doing the work and getting an F on that test but i bet if you came over and try to help me like i asked i probably would of done better. Im sorry for calling you names like Buzz lightyear even when you were OK with it and didn't seem to mind. Im sorry for leaving without asking, that was my doing only because you would most likely say no. Im sorry for saying your favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain. even, if it was funny. And im sorry for saying your belt is a slope which is true but uncalled for. LOL.

From: Jimmy
P.S. chillax

Despite the sad view this gives us of the education level and writing ability of a 15 year old and the unfortunate statement it makes about a teenager's understanding of accountability and owning up to your stupidity rather than blaming it on others, I had to laugh. I laughed until I cried.

Immorality

I play the piano for primary at church. A little guy got up and gave the scripture today,

"Behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immorality of man."

Immorality, no problem, I can do that.

2010 Resolution Reckoning

Last year I made 2 New Year's Resolutions 1) stop being a judgmental jack wad and 2) to live a life less processed. On the Eve of the Eve of the New Year, I am reflecting on my progress.

Things I learned while trying to not be a judgmental jack wad:

1. Women can't help but gossip and trash talk each other. As I tried really hard to eliminate this negative talk from my life, I became oh so much more aware when other women talked dirt and they all did, all the time. We all joke about men having an innate need to unzip their pants to see if they measure up, but women are just as bad. Rather than comparing bra size or something we measure cleanliness of house and orderly behavior of offspring, and we do it because we are all insecure. Trust me, that woman, you idolize, who can do anything, has an immaculate house, makes cute stuff, can bake mouth watering tasties, and has amazing children, she is insecure. She doesn't think she cuts it, and she compensates for this by over achieving in everything. I think God made us this way, otherwise we wouldn't get or stay married. Those handsome hotties we are married to complete us, lift us up, and make us feel okay about ourselves. If we already felt okay about ourselves, were absolutely confident, we wouldn't need them. And just like women have built in insecurity, men have built in hero syndrome. They want to rescue their damsel in distress from really big spiders, toilets that don't work and her own self loathing. Men need to be needed. It is all a delicate balance.

2. Some people go together like bare feet and dog poo, overall it just isn't a pleasant experience for either party.

In the beginning, I was amazed at the variety of friends I accumulated. I had friends that home school their children, that own all of Glen Beck's books, I even had friends who think that Diet Coke (Sweet Nectar of the Gods) tastes like battery acid. This all lasted until about March, when I realized something. Though I can accept that people have differing perspectives on life, liberty, sanctity and the pursuit of happiness, and that their perspectives are just a valid as mine, I still can't be honest to goodness friends with everyone. There are just some differences that can't be bridged by happy thoughts or bloody bitten tongues. Frequently I came home from a forced conversation with a group of other preschool moms and would rant on their bass ackward stupidity for the rest night to my husband, poor man. He was my only outlet (see original terms of resolution). So, in order to preserve his sanity and mine, I returned to some of my judgemental jack wad ways and put some of my old barriers back up.

In the end, I am far more accepting than I used to be, though there is definitely room for improvement. I have acquired some amazing friends I am not sure I would have given a chance before. I refuse to continue close relationships with people whose perspective is in such contrast to my own that we both just make each other mad or feel bad about ourselves.

Things I learned while trying to live a life less processed.

1. A kitchen counter cleaner made with baking soda, castile soap, and tea tree oil works pretty well. (Clorox wipes are still my best friend.)

2. Homemade laundry detergent is cheap and works.

3. Homemade dish washer detergent still sucks. I thought I had it figured out, but really it sucks. On the bright and spotless side though, the whole dish washer detergent fiasco brought me Lemi-shine.

4. I am too poor to go organic.

5. No matter how hard I try, Hubby still loves his Bologna and hot dogs.

6. We are chicken killers (we only have one left)

7. Hooray for Co-ops

8. Cloth Diapers are actually easy, especially if your kid is perpetually constipated.

9. Gardening in Arizona sucks.

Overall, in all honesty, I am not much less processed than I was last year at this time. I haven't given up though. We still have our lonely chicken and our sad, little garden that only produces midget food.

A 3 Year Old's Version of the Nativity

I was busy in the kitchen and Monkey Boy was happily playing with the Little People Nativity, when the words, "I ki-yull you!" caught my attention. I then heard the thumping sound of plastic on plastic and looked over to see two of the wisemen duking it out. Awesome, the 3 year old boy version of the Nativity apparently involves some UFC action.




So, I listened some more.

Little Chinese Wisman: "Aaaahhhhhh, I falling!" Chinese Wiseman is shoved off the shelf by Black Wiseman. Falls in slow motion to a spectacular death on the floor. All the nativity jumps off the shelf to rescue him, but fighting ensues.

A fighting song begins. "Dup Dup Dup, Dup Dup Dup" (to the tune of Jingle bells)

White Wiseman: to Black Wiseman You are mean, and I am nice

More fighting until all characters are laying in a lifeless pile.

Enter Cindrella's Fairy Godmother. Fairy Godmother flies over the fallen Nativity sprinkling magic down.

Fairy Godmother: Sssshhhhhhh, Ssssshhhhhh, Up, up, up, to the clouds. She carries each figure up to safety on the shelf above the manger.

Joseph: Wo, We way up here!

All that is left on the Nativity shelf is the Stable, a goat and a cart. God mother goes to the Stable and pushes it off,

Godmother: Push Push Push

She then hops on goat who is carrying a cart and jumps off to the floor.

Godmother: Wo, that was fun, Wee.

The rest of the character follow from the top shelf back down to the floor.

Mary: gesturing to the food in the cart and speaking to Black Wiseman Eat a fish?

Black Wiseman: Fish is poison, you want a cherry?

Angel: I do. um um um.

Camel: While stomping the hell out of everyone AH! AH! AH! AH!

Mary and Angel continue to eat cherries.

Baby Jesus takes a bite too and is followed by Joseph, a sheep, and the donkey.

All: hiccup hiccup

Monkey Boy: They're hiccups.

Enter baby brother, Angel Baby. AB puts manger back on the shelf and runs away with the food and cart. Monkey Boy follows. Growling from the hall way. MB drags AB back and takes the toys. MB piles up all the toys and sits on them.

Monkey Boy: You can't find them ever, ever, ever. I play with them and you don't. That I just say.

THE END

"At-Risk" Lexicon.

Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics
just one explication really and it is a direct quote

Most of you know I have worked with "At-risk" teenagers most of my teaching career. I have been out of the "biz" for the past 2 years because I have been attempting to raise my kiddos.

I have returned. Different school, different state, same kids. Teaching little delinquents is a little like watching Jerry Springer, you are so horrified you can't change the channel.

I have decided to share a few statements that have survived in infamy over my career and some new ones I am sure will join them.

Here are some student classics, sure to remain with me forever, or maybe just a really long time.

1. "Redickless": Misspelling of the word ridiculous.

When to use: Incredibly appropriate for many ridiculous situations.

2. "How'ma gonna smoke this, Bitch!": Statement made by a student to a store clerk who wouldn't sell her wrapping papers for her marijuana. She allegedly pulled out her bag of weed and showed it to the clerk to illustrate her point. Not so genius when you are wearing your school uniform.

When to use: This statement is perfect whenever one does not get their way, even if the situation doesn't involve elicit drug use.

3. "But don't you see, it's just like Days of our Lives!": Comment made during a conflict resolution between a girl, "Aspiring Porn Star" and her boyfriend "Thought She Truly Loved Me". Thought She Truly Loved Me(TSTLM) and Aspiring Porn Star (APS) had been together for at least a year, but all along she had been dating an older boy (Hotter than You) on the side and dropped the "I'm engaged to Hotter than You" Bomb on TSTLM who didn't know that Hotter than You even existed. There was a sea of 16 year old tears during which APS said, "But don't you see, it's just like Days of our Lives!" Yes, little 16 year old children, being a porn star is a quality career choice and yes, life is just like it is on TV.

When to use: Whenever life gets to the unbelievable crazy point, which at my house is ever day.


More Later