"The Hap Hap Happiest Christmas . . ."

Fair warning - This post contains explicatives. One is in a quote from a movie which you have all watched and laughed at, so try not to get your panties in a bunch. Others, well, they are just me and most of you know when I am frustrated, mad, surprised, happy, sad, or just being me, I swear. If you are going to be offended, don't read and please don't judge. I come from a long line of cursers. It is a skill that has been passed down through the generations, and I'd like to think I am rather good at it.




Holidays are both wonderful and craptacular. Maybe that is why we love them so much. In the book The Count of Monte Cristo there is a quote near the end that says something about how in order to experience ultimate joy, we have to have experienced ultimate pain. Christmas day is wonderful because all the preparation before hand is complete hell.

I hope you all don't read this and think I am a total blubbering idiot. I am just ticked off at the moment. Tonight it just seems like the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan. Just let me spew it all out and in a few minutes I will be fine.

I am stressed. We are leaving in 2 days and I have mountains of sewing and packing and wrapping to do. (Yet I am blogging instead, huh?)

I am sad. My Grandfather is knocking on Death's door and I don't know if I am going to make it in time to see him and I don't know if I want to see him like that and why does he have to die during Christmas? Everytime I look up on my shelf at the annoying saxaphone playing reindeer he gave my kids last Christmas, I have to cry a little bit.

I am frustrated. I was lured by the $5.99 haircut coupon I recieved in the mail and got a haircut at Shit Clips or Pooper Cuts or whatever crappy salon it was. The cut is nothing like the picture I took in. I look like a moron.

I am pissed. The powers that be at my hubby's work just informed him that his schedule is changing and his days off will now be Fri/Sat instead of Sun/Mon. So, that means I have to go to the first part of church with 3 kids all by myself. Shit balls!

So to sum it up, in the words of Clark Griswold,

"Hallelujah, Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

Whew! Now I feel a little better. Thanks for letting me vent!

Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays!

If the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions, my personal highway to Hell is getting resurfaced this month. By January it will be a nice smooth black with crisp new lines and there may even be a new lane.

After Christmas last year I decided I was going to make gifts for the next Christmas. Mad dash, last minute, purchasing of gifts at Target just isn't the way I like to do Christmas. It just doesn't seem like the true Christmas spirit. Of course with commercialism and all the hoopla maybe today's Christmas spirit is smashed in a cutesy gift envelope along with a gift card from your favorite big box store.

Anyway, I like making things. I like thinking about the person and trying to make something just for them. I imagine the receiver of the gift may pull off the wrapping paper and think, "Why can't she just do gift cards like everybody else? What am I supposed to do with this?" but I hope they begrudgingly use the gift and then realize they always needed a crocheted cover for the handle of their toilet brush, they just didn't know it.

So, the plan was to start in January and make at least a gift a month until I was done. I started the first gift in January and I finished it in October. One down! About the middle of last month I had the, "Holy Crap!" moment and began frantically sewing. Many yards of fabric and about 3 spools of thread later I am seven down and two to go. Unfortunately, one of those is a puppet theater for Drama Queen. Good thing my mom has a good sewing machine at her house, because we leave on Saturday and there isn't a Zhu Zhu Pet's chance in Wal-mart I am going to get it done before then.

And by Hell, I am not going to go through this frantic sewing thing again. It's just too stressful. Next year I will be on top of it! I am going to start in January and make a gift a month.

Oh no, I'm that person.

First a little confession. I really like the new sit-com Cougar Town. I was telling the Hubby how much I like it and that is was just my kind of humor.

He replied, "So it is just a bunch of people standing around making fun of each other?"

Crap! What does that say about me?

Wanted: Pediatrician

Since our move a year ago, we have been through 4 pediatricians, not counting the Instacare Dr.'s. There have been at least 3 of those.

I am seeking a Pediatrician who:

1. knows what the hell he/she is talking about.

2. schedules appointments in advance. One Dr.'s office would only schedule for that day. If I didn't call at 5 am I was SOL.

3. tells me what immunizations my child is receiving, before sending the nurse in to jab needles into my kid's leg. I would also appreciate a run through of possible side effects. Is that too much to ask?

4. does not chew gum with an open mouth.

5. does not talk baby talk. Grown men talking baby talk is ridiculous no matter what their profession is. My kid thinks you're ridiculous too, by the way.

6. does not talk to the 2 week old baby about his "guys" while fondling the baby's testes.

7. has a clean office. I do not want to wonder what the stain is on the seat I am sitting on.

8. employs individuals to run the front desk who have at least 2 braincells to rub together.

9. does not make me wait in a little tiny exam room with 3 kids for longer than 15 minutes. My time is important too.

10. does not wear tight fitting scrubs. I also do not want to see chest hair curling out of your V-neck. You are not a 70's porn star.

I Surrender

My love of all things culinary got the better of me. I went to the store for butter and Doritos and returned with all the fixin's for a Thanksgiving dinner. So much for my wallowing and baa humbug attitude.

Thanksgiving Pizza

This is our first and hopefully our last Thanksgiving with no family. Many nice friends have given us invites to their Thanksgiving feasts. I prefer to wallow in my self pity at home, thanks. For some reason, crashing someone else's family festivities, eating with mostly strangers, seems worse than being home and pretending it is not Thanksgiving at all.

So, we are home. There is a take and bake pizza in the fridge ready to go. The kids are outside playing in the warm Arizona sun. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. I just wish the announcers for the Football game would stop bringing up food and family.

That said, I do feel the need to write my thankful list, though there is no ceramic turkey to put it in.

I am thankful for caffeinated beverages and Sonic coupons to buy them with. Thanks Brisday, the drive-thu girl, for giving me stacks of coupons every day!

I am thankful for Craigslist and Freecycle, because I have developed my husband's family's love of scrounging for free stuff, in hopes I can turn it into something amazing. Best finds this year: 60" rear projection TV, bags and bags of knit fabric, a kiddie pool, and a coffee table.

I am thankful for PBS kids. I love that it can keep my kids occupied for a good share of the morning while I put the house back together from the previous day. And it is educational, so I feel less guilty about letting them watch it for hours.

I am thankful for the his and hers corners in our house. One for Drama Queen and one for Monkey Boy.

I am thankful for cereal, PB and J, Mac 'n Cheese, and hotdogs. Without them my children would probably starve.

I am thankful for our home.

I am thankful for unexpected blessings popping into our lives when we need them most. A check in the mail, bags of boy clothes from a friend, a scholarship for Kate's preschool.

Thankful for my parents for all their help, flour, corn and potatoes from home. My mom for talking to me everyday and being my friend.

Thankful for my hubby's parents too. They have helped us tons over years. Just finished off the last of the frozen meals his mom put together for us when the baby came and still have a pantry full of good food. Amazingly helpful as I have adjusted to life with 3.

I am thankful for perfect, wee toes, fingers, ears and big, happy, toothless grins.

I love unexpected bear hugs and slobbery kisses from a sometimes tender and sweet Monkey Boy.

I am grateful for Drama Queen's unique perspective and wisdom.

I am really, really, really thankful for my kind and patient husband, because we all know I am sometimes not that kind and definitly not that patient. He does his best to make me happy, and mostly I am.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and his tender mercies. For his guidance in my life and the comfort it gives me to know everything will be all right in the end; I just need to hang on.

Cuz Peeing you Pants is Cool!

I have reached new heights in womanhood. After having 3 kids I can now pee my pants not only when sneezing, but when I cough or blow my nose. Since I am currently battling a sinus infection, ahh, good times, good times.

Yesterday, I had just finished peeing (not in my pants). I thought I was safe. I took a chance. I blew my nose and I peed my pants. WTH (What the Hell)!!!!!!!!