Church, Our Weekly Dose of Torture

It begins before we even step foot inside the church. I really thought this morning we would be in good shape because I was up, kids were fed and getting in the tub at 10. Church is at 11:30 so we had 1 hour and 20 minutes to get it together.

John is awake and we were on a roll. Shrieks from the bathtub pierce my ears. "Jonas! Stop beating your sister with the mermaid Barbie!" "Kate! You have to let him have some of the toys. You can't hog all 75 tub toys!" Putting on make-up, getting hit in the leg by a flying yellow duck, we still aren't doing so bad. John baths the kids and I get my hair done.

Kate's turn to get dressed. "I want to wear my purple Daphne shoes."

"No!

Whiny, "But why? I want to!" Cry, cry, whine whine.

"They don't match, they are dirty and they stink! Put your church shoes on!"

"I want da. . . "

"I don't care, put these on before I kick your Daphne hiney!"

It is 11:20. Kids both ready, Mom ready, church bag weighing approx. 500 lbs almost ready. Walk into kitchen. Hubby eating breakfast, shirt on, pants on, no socks, no tie, no shoes, no shave. What?!? Wife explodes.

Go put kids in car while hubby finishes getting ready. Jonas turns into an unbendable, kicking, grunting octopus as I try to shove him in the car seat and get him buckled. Kate climbs all over the car, anywhere but her seat. "Get in your car seat and buckle yourself this instant!!!!" My eyes squinty. Is that a smoke starting to curl from my ears?

Arrive at church in time for sacrament. In our world that is on time, but we have to sit in the cultural hall, so far back we are up against the stage. I can barely make out the pulpit from this distance.

Jonas starts to run away. I grab onto his arm to prevent him from escaping. He is okay with this for a little while then he begins to lean. If I let go he will crash to the ground, smack his head and begin screaming so I let him down to the floor gently. He gets up, I grab his arm again. Soon he realizes that while he is still lying on the ground he can scoot away from me. Then when he stands up he will be out of my reach and can run like lighting.

This entire time Kate is trying to climb in my lap, play with my jewelry, rub my hair, grind her sharp chin into my sternum, and make me read to her.

I give up. I take Jonas out where I have to chase him in the halls and keep him from running back into the chapel.

A few minutes later, John joins me with Kate.

Finally Sacrament meeting is over. Hooray for Primary! After we drop the kids off we look in each others haggard faces. "So, how about we just leave the kids and go to Sonic instead of Gospel Doctrine. I need a Diet Coke!" I suggest. We seriously consider it and then drag ourselves back into the chapel.

Don't remember much about the GD lesson I was still decompressing..

The relief society lesson was on being reverent and keeping the proper spirit during Sacrament meeting. One of the quotes in the lesson honestly said something about it being better to sleep during the meeting than to read the Ensign because the sound of turning pages might disrupt those around you. Umm Yeah right! Like you can hear magazine pages turning over the sounds of all the families just like mine barely keeping it together.

And why do we keep going? Because Kate learned about Daniel and the Lion's Den and about how Jesus is magic. And geeze life would be difficult without faith, eternal families, a loving God and Savior.