Rambling Unsolicited Advice at Midnight, When I Really Should be in Bed Instead of Blogging

What is it with men and the need for them to give advice to women about exercise? I was at the park running with my friend tonight and while we were stopped for a moment to discuss our running strategy for the evening, some dad of a little leaguer walked by and said, "Don't just stop. You got to walk it off." Really? Who asked ya?

It reminded me of the days when I used to actually have time to go to the weightroom and the vertically challenged boys who were as wide as they were tall always had to come by and give me "pointers". Good grief. Go drink a protein shake and leave me alone. Do not expect me to bow before your enlightened exercise holiness. And just because I am a girl, doesn't mean I am an exercise retard. Oh and by the way, your neck may be as big around as my thigh, but it doesn't change the fact that you are only 4'8".

So, this is my unsolicited advice to men who can't refrain from giving unsolicited advice to me (and I would dare say most other women) while I am working out.

"Please just zip it and keep on walkin' by. While I am working out, I feel particularly kick assy (yes, that is the scientific term), and I am awfully tempted to kick you in the groin. Have a nice day!"

P.S. I ran 8 of the "1/2 mile loops" around the park, which I think is about 3 miles. Wa-hoo! And, yes, I know I am crappy at math, but I didn't add that up wrong. Apparently city planners either can't measure or they lie, CUZ I'm pretty sure I don't run a 9 min mile, which is the time it takes me to run 2 of the "1/2 mile loops."

The List , Dun Dun Dun. (Lower the pitch as you say each Dun, so it sounds ominous!)

My mom was and is a list maker. Each Saturday my brother and I each had our own dreaded LIST. It was a list of house cleaning chores that had to be completed before we could play. I swear the list took us until midnight to complete.

Now I wake each morning with a LIST in my head titled, "Things I am finally going to get done today". I never get it done. Usually I only get to about 2 things. My list just keeps getting longer. Today my list is especially long and I haven't even managed to put a shirt on yet.

Faux Moby Wrap

I made this for my Bro's Wife.




Drama Queen was my photographer. So the pictures may be a little blurry.

I Could Write a Book!

I have a hard time with stupidity. Stupid parents are the hardest for me to deal with. That was the hardest part of teaching, watching stupid parents do a crap job of raising their children, turning them into stupids too. And then the stupid children get pregnant at 15 and become stupid parents themselves.

A few days ago I was discussing a stupid parent with a friend. I went home and couldn't sleep. I fantacized about calling the mom up, "I know you don't know me, but you, my friend, are a moron"

So, to combat stupid parents everywhere I think I should write a book. I mean I am just as much an expert as the crazy Christian guy who wrote the Babywise books or some child psychotherapist who has only read about children in books, but doesn't actually have any of his own. (Does anyone know if that Ferber guy has kids?) ( And seriously "Ferberization"? It sounds like the process by which creepy animated animal toys hypnotize small children into doing some evil mastermind's bidding)

In my book I will include chapters on ground breaking parenting technics like "Lock Yourself in the Bathroom and Enjoy a Popsicle While your Kids Scream at the Door" and "Sick of you Kids Demanding your Attention? Why Don't you Pop in a Disney Movie?"

I have already started on the quick reference lists I will include in the appendixes. Here is a sample:

Appendex I : Fantastic Empty Threats.

"Get in here before I beat your butt off!"

"If you don't clean up this mess you are never watching TV again in your life!"

"Stay in your bed and go to sleep or I am going to tie you to it!"

Appendex II : Quick Motivators

Use bribes whenever possible. "If you get in the car without throwing a fit in the parking lot, we can go to QT and get you a 32 oz. slushy."

Repeat your requests at least 3 times in a row using screaming hysterical voice. "Move it! Move it! Move it!"

Shake your fist in a threatening manner.

I am positive that with the implementation of my scientifically proven* parenting technics, your kids will turn out self confident, well adjusted, and you can live a life minimally interrupted by their needs.

*The author of this book is not actually a scientist, but she did use the highly acclaimed scientific method on her own children. She learned this scientific method during her studies at Hazelton Elementary.

Update on the "tried and true"

I went to do another load of dishes. The citric acid made it clump up. Weird! It still did a nice job, but I had to break it up and shake it a bit. I am thinking maybe I will keep the citric acid separate and just add it when I start the washer.

Dish Voila--Quest for Cheap and Natural Dishwasher Detergent

I mentioned in my last post there would be more on natural cleaners. There are lots of recipes on line, but I didn't want to post anything until I had tried it and I liked it. So, after many loads of chalky dishes, I have solved the cheap and natural dishwasher detergent mystery.

My dishwasher has always left a chalky film on my dishes. Different detergents left varying degrees of chalky, but no matter how light the gritty film is on a glass, you still don't want to drink out of it. I tried Jet Dry, no bueno, no worko, mucho gritto. So, when I tried my natural concoction, no surprise, the dishes came out gritty.

Tuesday night, after I re-washed all of my glasses and silverware by hand, and kicked the dishwasher a few times, I decided to do a little research on-line. I realized my problem was not the detergent, but the hard water build up in the washer. The miracle product that is the rage on all the natural mommy blogs is Lemi-Shine, available at Target and The Store That Must Not Be Named.

Really I think it is just citric acid, but it really does work like a miracle. You put it in the detergent cup, run your dishwasher empty for about 5-10 minutes, stop the dishwasher and leave the water in it overnight, and then finish the cycle in the morning.

I did my first load of dishes in my clean dishwasher with my homemade detergent last night and they came out clean and slick, no grit!

So here is the recipe for homemade dishwasher detergent that works!

1 cup baking soda

1 cup borax

2 packets of Lemonade Koolaid mix.
(you know the kind that doesn't have the sugar.
It is just citric acid with a little artificial flavoring)

Put 1 TBS in the pre-wash cup and 1 TBS in the wash cup.

Use White Vinegar instead of Jet Dry.

New Year's Blah-D-Blah

Yes, I have New Year's resolutions. Oh yes! I do.

1. To be less of a Judgmental Jerk Wad. I realize I am judgmental. I am very intolerant of people who are intolerant. And yes, I realize that this is hypocritical, and I hate hypocritical people. They are so fake. So, you see the inherent problem with my behavior.

So, the specifics on how I will achieve this goal. I will not talk bad about individuals to anyone but my husband. (Hey, a girl's gotta vent sometime.) I will only make fun of stereotypical groups of people (i.e. Typical Wal-mart Shoppers) and I will only do it for the sake of humor, not maliciously.

2. To live a less processed and chemical life. I find the concept of sustainability very intriguing. Honestly, I would love to live on lots of acreage somewhere in the Pacific Northwest with a few close friends, raise yummy organic food and make as much stuff as we can. The boys will still go to work, the kids will feed the goats and chickens while me and my friends knit cute hats made from angora rabbit fur to sell at the local farmer's market. I don't see it happening any time soon, but it is a nice little dream.

Until then, we will eat our own chicken eggs. We will have a garden, dagnabbit! I will continue to use cloth diapers. I will make as much of our food from scratch as I can. No more cream of salt and MSG soup, no more cans of dough that pop, no more store bought mixes (with the exception of brownie mix, because homemade just aren't the same!) I am going to check around and find some locally grown meats and if we can afford it, we will eat it. I have also started experimenting with homemade natural cleaners. There will be lots more on this later, but so far it has been very fun and the stuff really works and works well!

So far that is it for my New Year's resolutions. I would like to add that I am going to quit caffeine, but we all know that is a fantasy. Maybe someday they will invent a patch or a pill like the ones to get off nicotine. Until that day, give me my Diet Coke and no body gets spanked!