NO EXCUSES

Professional Development

2011-10-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

I am writing this at 4 in the morning. I have been rolling options over and over in my head. I read an article in Oprah magazine about a teacher who quit her job and started raising alpacas. I can do that! HOA probably wouldn't be down with that. I like to write. Maybe someday I will get published and make millions of dollars like that vampire lady. Not bloody likely. I don't know, maybe I should apply at McDonald's. Meh, too many of my students work there. Circle K? They know me there. Couldn't afford a babysitter on that salary. So, teaching? Can I hang in there?

But, geeze, I really hate my job. Really, really hate it.

My teaching story is the same as just about every other teacher out there. I became a teacher because I love working with young adults. I wanted to open worlds of possibility for them by teaching them about great literature and making them great thinkers. I wanted to help kids who struggle and provide opportunities for them to succeed. I wanted to prepare them to be contributing members of society.

This is what my job really is.

1) A big pile of "No Child Left Behind" bullshit.

We all hear the complaints of too much testing and teaching to the test, but sometimes I don't think the general population knows some of the other fall out generated by the "No Child Left Behind" policies.

Here is a story that is absolutely gut wrenching. I know someone that teaches for a school somewhere that told me about some student she had. This little guy lived in the women's shelter with his mom. Obviously life has not been smooth for him. My friend noticed that he was barely able to read. When she went to the higher-ups and ask what she should do, was there any help they could get for this child, the answer was, "no." His testing scores were so far below the passing mark that if they spent the extra resources helping him, he would still not likely pass. Resources are dedicated to those students who are "approaching" because if students move from "approaches" to "meets" it will reflect positively on the school's rating. You don't get points for kids who move from "unable to read and therefor will become a high school drop-out, so sign me up for the state penitentiary, I'm on my way!" " to "literate and now have a glimmer of hope"

Because schools get dinged for things like attendance and students not graduating on time, students get turned away from public schools. The majority of the students at the charter high school I currently teach at cannot attend the regular high schools. The schools turn students away if they are credit deficient and not on track to graduate on time. The student has the option to enroll in the district's alternative school (a.k.a. prison prep), find another school out of district, or drop-out.

You think teachers getting together and having answer changing parties on state tests is immoral? It is just the tip of the ice burg when high stakes policies are made by people who have no real comprehension of what goes on in a classroom.

2) Demands, State Mandates, District Demands, Administration Demands, and I am supposed to do what? Are you effing kidding me?

Laws that sound good in congresses, voter boxes, political campaigns and even Department of Education boardrooms suck monkey balls when actually applied to educational practices. Here is an example.

I just attended a 3 day workshop of SEI (Sheltered English Immersion) training. I learned that Prop 203 passed by voters in Arizona states that all children in public schools shall be taught English as rapidly and effectively as possible. Yup, kids should learn English.

The proposition also states English learners shall be educated through SEI during a temporary transition period not intended to exceed one year. Wait, wha? You want kids who don't speak English to be proficient in one year? Um, okay?

So, great idea voters. How do we implement it? Two other House Bills are passed which basically led to this: Students are to have 4 hours per day of Language Education, 1 hour of Oral English, 1 hour of Grammar, 1 hour of Writing and 1 hour of Reading. Teachers cannot stray from the time allocations. Teachers must document their time and learning objectives. Teachers must follow ELP (English Language Proficiency) Standards. All proper forms will document correctly the implementation of the State and Federal Laws. Monitors from the Office of English Language Acquisition will make routine visits and monitor data to determine compliance.

Okay, whine, whine, whine. So you have to do a little extra paper work. It is all for the benefit of the kids anyway. Well, if you have a SEI teacher and students are removed from the mainstream classes this seems feasible But what if you only have a handful of ELLs (English Language Learners)? The ELLs are put on a documented plan showing how the 4 hours will be met in the mainstream classes. Districts love this because then they don't have to hire a separate SEI teacher. So now, the regular ed teacher has to incorporate 4 hours of language acquisition for a handful of students at the same time she is teaching 30 other kids. She also has to document what she is doing in the correct manner including a language objective tied to the ELP standards. This on top of lesson plans aligned to the state standards, making sure standards, objectives, and guiding questions are visible, creating engaging activities that move up Bloom's taxonomy, reviewing test data and creating interventions for low performing students, differentiating instruction to meet the needs of special education and honors students, accommodating special needs, grading papers, lunch duty, before and after school duty, communicating with parents, attending staff meetings. You have 1 hour during your day for prep time. What is the problem?

All these laws with all their requirements land squarely on the overburdened backs of frazzled, highly caffeinated and overwhelminglydisillusioned teachers.

Kids are up, more later.

Looking on the Bright Side. . . or More Appropriately the Dry Side.

2011-09-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

I realize that at times I can come across as rather pessimistic about things. So, in the spirit of being more positive, some thank you notes.

First, I would like to thank all of the people involved in the designing, producing, marketing, purchasing and installing of my bathroom sink. Because it does not have a relief drain, I have had two exciting instances of bathroom flooding. You see I have a little monkey boy who enjoys fiddling with things. He is especially fond of messing with the drain stopper when he washes his hands. He is also 4. Attention deficit is not a disorder, it is a way of life, so he forgets to shut the water off. Stopped up drain + running faucet + no relief drain = a creative twist on my daily workout routine and some quiet time to hork down an entire carton of Ben and Jerry's while the 4 year old spends the rest of the afternoon in the corner. Thank you!

Thank you, cement sub floor for being able to hold up to 2 inches of standing water. I know the wood sub floor in my last house just wouldn't have handled the situation well.

Thank you, wet vac. You have not been the time saver in the kitchen that I thought you would be, but you are awesome at times like this. Even on the carpet, you were fantastic sucking up nearly 3 gallons water there alone.

Thank you flood waters for cleaning my bathroom floor. It was pretty bad.

Wizard Words of Wizdom

2011-09-10T06:32:00.000-07:00

My family recently was in charge of our family reunion. By"my family" I mean my mom and her sisters and cousins. I mostly just attended. Those of you who aren't in my family may think, "Meh, so you plan a dinner and sit around with a bunch of old boring people." Oh, contraire my little friends. My family reunion rocks. Over 200 people attend and we are not boring, we have Irish ancestry. Three days of partying and fighting and more partying ensue.

Our family reunions are themed and we dress up. This year the theme was Wizard of Oz.

I chose an appropriate costume for my personality, a witch with very awesome red shoes.

Here's the kiddos. From left to right--Nephew-Horse of a different color, Drama Queen--Dorothy, Mini Knievel--last minute lollypop guild, Monkey Boy--Lion.

My hubby, not so keen on dressing up and thinking, "Yuppers, I married into crazyville. This should have been my first clue that perhaps she was just pretending to be normal before we got married. Now, look what I live with!"

And Drama Queen's 2nd costume. I, of course, did not make this. My mom did.

Isn't she amazing!!!

As part of the activities, I played Professor Marvel-a (that's the girl version). I told fortunes with my "genuine, magic, authentic crystal used by the priests of Isis and Osiris in the days of the pharoahs of Egypt." I wrote up six "fortunes" based on the movie. I swear if we all lived according to The Wizard of Oz we would all lead happy and amazing lives!

1. Along the yellow brick road of life you will have many challenges. You may have to dodge wormy apples and fireballs. Witches will try to take your dog and your really cute shoes. At times you may just be too tired to go on. Don't be discouraged. Remember you are smarter, braver and have more heart than you give yourself credit for. Just stay on the right path and you will reach your destination.

2. Running away from your problems never solves anything. You can never find a place where you won't get into any trouble. It doesn't exist. The storms of life will always come and when they do, especially the whoppers, you better get your butt home and into the storm cellar with the people who love you. Only they can make the troubles melt like lemon drops.

3. You will run into bad witches in your life, but even when you have a witch mad at you, you will have loyal friends who will say, "I'm not afraid of witches!" and they will stand beside you as you dodge the witches fireballs. Just have courage and remember the most wicked witches are probably covering up their weaknesses. It may just take a little water to make them melt into a big puddle of witch goo.

4. Whether you are good or bad people can see it and read it in your face. You can't hide what you truly are. Kindness and generosity will draw friends to you. The kindness you give will always be returned. Your friends will be willing to brave spooks and flying monkeys to rescue you. Bad deeds will be returned in kind as well. Only bad witches are ugly.

5. When seeking help in reaching your goals, be careful who you trust. Sometimes those who seem to have the answers are not what they appear to be. Those who proclaim their greatness the loudest are often the smallest. The wizard was just a man behind the curtain. You always have the power within you to make your wishes come true.

6. When you feel you are missing something in your life. Don't go searching beyond your own back yard. If you do go looking elsewhere in the world, you may open the door to a life of color and adventure, but you will soon realize it is nothing without those who love you. Remember, there is no place like home.

Beware the Sleeping Feminist, For When She Wakes . . .

2011-06-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

So, in the last post I hypothesized there may be an etymological connection between Hysteria and Hysterectomy. I thought I was just being hysterically funny, but the sad truth is the words are related on the great Greek/Latin family tree. (Thanks JB for prompting me to research that further)

Hysteria, which is "a mental disorder characterized by emotional excitability etc. without an organic cause" comes from the Latin Hystericus or from the Ancient Greek Hysterikos which means suffering in the uterus. (Wiktionary)

Therefore, because I am a woman with a uterus, I have a mental disorder. Isn't that nice.

Being the closet feminist that I am, I feel it necessary to coin my own word.

Phallustia- a mental disorder characterized by the delusion that one is omniscient, all knowing, and of course, always has the correct and logical solution to any dilemma. Comes from the Ancient Greek Phallos which means dick.

Pee Hole

2011-06-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure how the other English Teacher at my school and I ended up in this conversation with students about periods and other slightly inappropriate girl stuff, but there we were discussing our Va-jay-jays with a pack of 16 year old girls.

So the other teacher says, "I don't have a period anymore, thank goodness. I had a hysterectomy" (funny that word kind of sounds like hysteria. Is a hysterectomy when they surgically remove your hysteria? Makes sense.)

So anyway,

16 year old student gives her a confused look. She obviously doesn't know what a hysterectomy is.

Other Teacher clarifies: They took out my uterus.

16 year old student with confused, disgusted, terror in her eyes: How do you pee!?!?!

The surgically non-hysteric teacher and I look at each other with confused amusement.

Me: Um, sweetie, those things aren't connected. Did you miss that day of 5th grade?

16 year old: I had my gallbladder removed and I can still pee.

Me: Wow.

Epiphany a la Moby-Dick

2011-05-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

I am reading Moby-Dick. So far it's mucho awesomo. I am not very far into it as I only have time to read when I can catch a private moment in a locked bathroom. Ishmael has not yet set sail and is at a church listening to a sermon given by an old whaler turned preacher. The sermon is about Jonah of course and this is what the preacher said:

"As with all sinners among men, the sin of this son of Amittai (Jonah) was in his willful disobedience of the command of God--never mind now what that command was, or how conveyed--which he found a hard command. But all things that God would have us do are hard for us to do--remember that--and hence, he oftener commands us than endeavors to persuade. And if we obey God, we must disobey ourselves; and it is in this disobeying ourselves, wherein the hardness of obeying God consists."

So as a mom, this is my take.

Do your ears work? Are they just glued on? This isn't about what you want to do, just listen! Why? Because I am The God and I said so, that's why!

And so, just as the "why" is often beyond my children's comprehension so it is with us. And sometimes the why doesn't really matter at all, sometimes ya just need to do what is asked. Who knows, maybe God, like every parent, just needs us to go do something quiet and safe for a minute because he has a headache and needs to sit down and enjoy some Ben and Jerry's.

Frogs Must Lead Frustrating Lives

2011-04-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

We were trying to get our brood out the door and into the car. Most frustrating task of parenthood, right up there with checking out at the supermarket. Whoever thought it was a good idea to fill the checkout isle with candy and toys should be put in front of a firing squad.

I digress. Anyway, Monkey Boy did not want to put pants on, put shoes on or leave the couch. He wanted to watch Dora.

He was so angry he could no longer form coherent requests. He shouted in frustration, "DO DAMMIT!" and stormed away from his barely able to control their snickers parents.

In order to exonerate himself of any blame, my husband asked MB about his choice of words Yes, I am obviously the parent who is responsible for enriching my children's vocabulary with swears.

Hubby asked, "Who says Dammit?"

Monkey Boy replied, "Frogs."

I guess I am off the hook for this one!

I Hate Valentine's Day. . .

2011-02-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

10. because people pronounce it ValentiMes.

9. because stuffed animals are stupid, especially when they are holding hearts or kissing.

8. because putting stuffed animals inside a giant balloon doesn't make them cooler.

7. because I have to buy and fill out 20+ stupid little pieces of paper for DQ's classmates.

6. because DQ gets 20+ very "precious" pieces of paper from school that she will not let me throw away.

5. because phrases like, "The beauty of these roses cannot match the beauty and depth of the love I feel for you" or "Flowers today, Fireworks tonight!" make me barf a little in my mouth.

4. because most chocolates that come in cardboard hearts are gritty.

3. because with the money spent on a dozen roses that will die in 2 days, you could feed a small country.

2. because white conversation hearts changed and now taste like soap instead of yummy

1. because the red and pink lacy lingerie displays in every store remind you that you now have 3 kids and by the time they are all in bed, you are way to tired for such exotic shenanigans.

Delinquent Version of an Apology

2011-02-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's little things like this that keep me from going insane at my job.

Funny teaching moment #1

I overheard one of our students ask, "How do you spell "wore"?

Another student mockingly laughs and replies, "Huh-huh, you don't know how to spell "wore"!? W-H-O-R. Duh!"

Funny teaching moment #2

Little 15 year old, oh let's call him Jimmy, got written up and kicked out of math class for about the bazillionth time. We are running out of "Respect your Teachers" and "Choices Lead to Consequences" speeches. None of the speeches, parent conferences, or suspensions have been able to reach his purple hazed brain to make any kind of difference. So, my principal thought instead of wasting her time on yet another lecture, maybe he could spend time reflecting and writing a letter of apology to the math teacher.

Here it is:

Dear Mr. Math Teacher,

im sorry for interupting class even though most of the time i wasn't talking. I hate how you look around at everyone who is talking and screwing around but yet wait till i start talking or screwing around, you write me up. Im sorry for not doing the work and getting an F on that test but i bet if you came over and try to help me like i asked i probably would of done better. Im sorry for calling you names like Buzz lightyear even when you were OK with it and didn't seem to mind. Im sorry for leaving without asking, that was my doing only because you would most likely say no. Im sorry for saying your favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain. even, if it was funny. And im sorry for saying your belt is a slope which is true but uncalled for. LOL.

From: Jimmy
P.S. chillax

Despite the sad view this gives us of the education level and writing ability of a 15 year old and the unfortunate statement it makes about a teenager's understanding of accountability and owning up to your stupidity rather than blaming it on others, I had to laugh. I laughed until I cried.

Immorality

2011-02-06T16:07:00.000-08:00

I play the piano for primary at church. A little guy got up and gave the scripture today,

"Behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immorality of man."

Immorality, no problem, I can do that.

2010 Resolution Reckoning

2010-12-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

Last year I made 2 New Year's Resolutions 1) stop being a judgmental jack wad and 2) to live a life less processed. On the Eve of the Eve of the New Year, I am reflecting on my progress.

Things I learned while trying to not be a judgmental jack wad:

1. Women can't help but gossip and trash talk each other. As I tried really hard to eliminate this negative talk from my life, I became oh so much more aware when other women talked dirt and they all did, all the time. We all joke about men having an innate need to unzip their pants to see if they measure up, but women are just as bad. Rather than comparing bra size or something we measure cleanliness of house and orderly behavior of offspring, and we do it because we are all insecure. Trust me, that woman, you idolize, who can do anything, has an immaculate house, makes cute stuff, can bake mouth watering tasties, and has amazing children, she is insecure. She doesn't think she cuts it, and she compensates for this by over achieving in everything. I think God made us this way, otherwise we wouldn't get or stay married. Those handsome hotties we are married to complete us, lift us up, and make us feel okay about ourselves. If we already felt okay about ourselves, were absolutely confident, we wouldn't need them. And just like women have built in insecurity, men have built in hero syndrome. They want to rescue their damsel in distress from really big spiders, toilets that don't work and her own self loathing. Men need to be needed. It is all a delicate balance.

2. Some people go together like bare feet and dog poo, overall it just isn't a pleasant experience for either party.

In the beginning, I was amazed at the variety of friends I accumulated. I had friends that home school their children, that own all of Glen Beck's books, I even had friends who think that Diet Coke (Sweet Nectar of the Gods) tastes like battery acid. This all lasted until about March, when I realized something. Though I can accept that people have differing perspectives on life, liberty, sanctity and the pursuit of happiness, and that their perspectives are just a valid as mine, I still can't be honest to goodness friends with everyone. There are just some differences that can't be bridged by happy thoughts or bloody bitten tongues. Frequently I came home from a forced conversation with a group of other preschool moms and would rant on their bass ackward stupidity for the rest night to my husband, poor man. He was my only outlet (see original terms of resolution). So, in order to preserve his sanity and mine, I returned to some of my judgemental jack wad ways and put some of my old barriers back up.

In the end, I am far more accepting than I used to be, though there is definitely room for improvement. I have acquired some amazing friends I am not sure I would have given a chance before. I refuse to continue close relationships with people whose perspective is in such contrast to my own that we both just make each other mad or feel bad about ourselves.

Things I learned while trying to live a life less processed.

1. A kitchen counter cleaner made with baking soda, castile soap, and tea tree oil works pretty well. (Clorox wipes are still my best friend.)

2. Homemade laundry detergent is cheap and works.

3. Homemade dish washer detergent still sucks. I thought I had it figured out, but really it sucks. On the bright and spotless side though, the whole dish washer detergent fiasco brought me Lemi-shine.

4. I am too poor to go organic.

5. No matter how hard I try, Hubby still loves his Bologna and hot dogs.

6. We are chicken killers (we only have one left)

7. Hooray for Co-ops

8. Cloth Diapers are actually easy, especially if your kid is perpetually constipated.

9. Gardening in Arizona sucks.

Overall, in all honesty, I am not much less processed than I was last year at this time. I haven't given up though. We still have our lonely chicken and our sad, little garden that only produces midget food.

A 3 Year Old's Version of the Nativity

2010-12-21T07:22:00.000-08:00

I was busy in the kitchen and Monkey Boy was happily playing with the Little People Nativity, when the words, "I ki-yull you!" caught my attention. I then heard the thumping sound of plastic on plastic and looked over to see two of the wisemen duking it out. Awesome, the 3 year old boy version of the Nativity apparently involves some UFC action.

So, I listened some more.

Little Chinese Wisman: "Aaaahhhhhh, I falling!" Chinese Wiseman is shoved off the shelf by Black Wiseman. Falls in slow motion to a spectacular death on the floor. All the nativity jumps off the shelf to rescue him, but fighting ensues.

A fighting song begins. "Dup Dup Dup, Dup Dup Dup" (to the tune of Jingle bells)

White Wiseman: to Black Wiseman You are mean, and I am nice

More fighting until all characters are laying in a lifeless pile.

Enter Cindrella's Fairy Godmother. Fairy Godmother flies over the fallen Nativity sprinkling magic down.

Fairy Godmother: Sssshhhhhhh, Ssssshhhhhh, Up, up, up, to the clouds. She carries each figure up to safety on the shelf above the manger.

Joseph: Wo, We way up here!

All that is left on the Nativity shelf is the Stable, a goat and a cart. God mother goes to the Stable and pushes it off,

Godmother: Push Push Push

She then hops on goat who is carrying a cart and jumps off to the floor.

Godmother: Wo, that was fun, Wee.

The rest of the character follow from the top shelf back down to the floor.

Mary: gesturing to the food in the cart and speaking to Black Wiseman Eat a fish?

Black Wiseman: Fish is poison, you want a cherry?

Angel: I do. um um um.

Camel: While stomping the hell out of everyone AH! AH! AH! AH!

Mary and Angel continue to eat cherries.

Baby Jesus takes a bite too and is followed by Joseph, a sheep, and the donkey.

All: hiccup hiccup

Monkey Boy: They're hiccups.

Enter baby brother, Angel Baby. AB puts manger back on the shelf and runs away with the food and cart. Monkey Boy follows. Growling from the hall way. MB drags AB back and takes the toys. MB piles up all the toys and sits on them.

Monkey Boy: You can't find them ever, ever, ever. I play with them and you don't. That I just say.

THE END

"At-Risk" Lexicon.

2010-11-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics
just one explication really and it is a direct quote

Most of you know I have worked with "At-risk" teenagers most of my teaching career. I have been out of the "biz" for the past 2 years because I have been attempting to raise my kiddos.

I have returned. Different school, different state, same kids. Teaching little delinquents is a little like watching Jerry Springer, you are so horrified you can't change the channel.

I have decided to share a few statements that have survived in infamy over my career and some new ones I am sure will join them.

Here are some student classics, sure to remain with me forever, or maybe just a really long time.

1. "Redickless": Misspelling of the word ridiculous.

When to use: Incredibly appropriate for many ridiculous situations.

2. "How'ma gonna smoke this, Bitch!": Statement made by a student to a store clerk who wouldn't sell her wrapping papers for her marijuana. She allegedly pulled out her bag of weed and showed it to the clerk to illustrate her point. Not so genius when you are wearing your school uniform.

When to use: This statement is perfect whenever one does not get their way, even if the situation doesn't involve elicit drug use.

3. "But don't you see, it's just like Days of our Lives!": Comment made during a conflict resolution between a girl, "Aspiring Porn Star" and her boyfriend "Thought She Truly Loved Me". Thought She Truly Loved Me(TSTLM) and Aspiring Porn Star (APS) had been together for at least a year, but all along she had been dating an older boy (Hotter than You) on the side and dropped the "I'm engaged to Hotter than You" Bomb on TSTLM who didn't know that Hotter than You even existed. There was a sea of 16 year old tears during which APS said, "But don't you see, it's just like Days of our Lives!" Yes, little 16 year old children, being a porn star is a quality career choice and yes, life is just like it is on TV.

When to use: Whenever life gets to the unbelievable crazy point, which at my house is ever day.

More Later

Muscle Car Mania

2010-11-03T16:59:00.001-07:00

Thanksgiving thankfulness #2 : I am thankful for the 2010 muscle cars. They are so sexy. I feel the same about muscle cars as I did about Jonathan Knight from NKOTB when I was 12. I get giddy every time I see one. I do believe I need to get a poster of the Camaro and hang it above my bed. And every night as I drift off to sleep I will have "Bitchin' Camaro" by The Dead Milkmen running through my head.

"Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro!

I ran over my neighbors
Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro!
Now I'm in all the papers"

Aren't those tail lights hot?!?

I really am a bit befuddled by my recent attraction to cars. In general I have never cared about cars, especially sports cars.

I guess there was that time in my college years that I really really wanted an old land cruiser, but since then practicality has ruled my life.

Perhaps it is a subconscious longing for a little more glamor in my life or the desire for fancy expensive things that I have worked so hard to squelch. Maybe it is the wild, untamed freedom that muscle cars stand for. Maybe I am hitting my midlife crisis early. Whatever the reason, as soon as they add a 3rd row seating option to accommodate my brood, I am buying a muscle car!

Attitude of Gratitude

2010-11-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Attitude of Gratitude" for some reason that little cheesy, rhymey rhyme makes me want to barf. It is not that I don't believe in being grateful, I sure as hell do! I guess I just don't believe in being cheesy.

So, with that in mind, I am going to jump on the thankful full season of Thanksgiving in this the thankful month of November bandwagon, but in my own, No Excuses, hopefully not too cheesy sort of way.

Today I am thankful I was not born into idiocy.

I work with a lot of kids who were born into complete asinine, idiotic stupidity. The poor stupid things really just don't have a chance. "My momma raised me up good. She was only 16 and didn't have no high school dee-ploma. She smoked pot when she was preggers with me too an look! I turned out just fine. And my daddy, he in jail." You begin to wonder why at some point no one looked around and saw that their life was a complete mess and realized hey, maybe there is a better way to go about things. Perhaps I don't have to start smoking when I am 6, get pregnant by 14, drop out of high school, smoke myself retarded by 18, and by age 20 have 4 kids each with a different daddy and every single one of those daddies in jail. It seems to be a never ending revolving door of dumb dumbs from which there is no escape.

Thank you Heavenly Father for not landing me in that big pile of stinky doo doo.

I am thankful that I was born into a legacy of education and integrity which I am honored to pass on to my children. I am lucky enough to come from pretty smart parents and they had pretty smart parents too. They believed that getting an education and living a moral life were important. So thank you Mom, Dad, Grandpas, Grandmas, Aunts, Uncles, and of course N-laws too for not being idiots or raising idiot children!

Dear Love's Truck Stop, I Hate You!

2010-09-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Loves,

The other day I stopped at your establishment on my way to work. I am a tutor and it is generally a tedious job. I need a little happy in a cup so I can make it through. This particular day was looking to be extra craptacular, but I was running late and didn't have time to go a little out of my way to stop at my usual Diet Coke spot. Since your store is on my direct route I thought perhaps you could fulfill my needs. Oh, Loves, you disappointed me so!

Why in Heaven's name can't you get lids that actually fit your 44 oz cups? Really, is it that hard?!? I know you are just being the cheap bastard you are, but this is why it doesn't pay in the long run.

I ruined at least 5 lids before I finally got one to barely cling to the lip of the cup. Yup, 5 lids in the trash.

Then after paying $1.freaking50, hopping in my car, and speeding recklessly out of your parking lot, I reached down to my cup holder and tried to pick up my cup, but because the lid was not on securely, because it didn't fit, I dropped my 44 oz of Diet Coke, Sweet Nectar of the Gods, and it exploded all over the floor of my car.

And since I was running late, I didn't have the time to run back in the store and unleash the furies of a crazy woman without a diet coke. I could only pull over, carefully lift my floor mat up and dump my precious, all 44 oz, (well except the puddle still on the floor of my car) out onto the street all the while screaming obscenities that I had forgotten I knew.

And that is why, Dear Loves, I hate you! I hate you, hate you, hate you! And I will never ever ever ever step foot inside your white trash fest establishment again!

Sincerely,

Ranting Crazy Woman without her Diet Coke who has Totally Lost her Schmidt!

Pigsty

2010-09-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

The reason my blog is titled No Excuses is because: 1) I believe people should take responsibility for their crap and not blame it on others or circumstances, 2) I believe one should be themselves and not excuse or apologize for their beliefs and personality.

I have found an area in my life that needs improving in the "No Excuses" department. I am constantly apologizing and making excuses for the messiness of my house. I may have spent the entire day working my guts out cleaning, and someone comes over and I say, "Sorry my house is a mess." Well, it's stupid and I'm not doing it anymore.

My house is messy. It is not so bad that you will get a disease from using my bathroom or anything, but there is just a general feeling of messiness. There are toys all over, the sink is full of dishes, if you walk on my kitchen floor barefoot you are bound to have a chunk of something squish up between your toes, I am not sure I even have a duster and I haven't seen the floor in my bedroom in months but, you know what, when I stand at the Pearly Gates, I don't want my life's accomplishment to be, "She had a clean house."

I am no longer going to make excuses. I'm going to just be me and when you come over to my house, you can check out my mess and say to yourself, "Really? There are cheerios stuck to her walls!" You can go home feeling better about yourself because your house may be a little messy too, but at least when your kid throws soggy Cheerios to the wall you clean them off.

I will lift the self esteem of every woman who comes through my door and I will do it one cluttery pile of crap stashed in a corner at a time.

O.D.D.

2010-08-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

***Disclaimer***

It is not the intention of this post or its author to trivialize an actual mental disorder or to make fun of persons who struggle with a mental disorder. The author of this post is just trying to explain and understand her uncontrollable desire to "give the bird" to anyone and everyone who tells her what to do.

The beautiful thing about the internet is there is no longer a need for one to go to a Dr. for a diagnosis. Based on some recent self realizations and Google Health I have determined that I have O.D.D.

Oppositional defiant disorder (O.D.D.) - a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures.

Symptoms include:

Actively does not follow adults' (or lifegurds') requests
Angry and resentful of others
Argues with adults (or the miniature bosses that run this house)
Loses temper
Spiteful or seeks revenge
Touchy or easily annoyed

So here are the recent events that have lead me to believe that O.D.D. just might be my problem.

Story #1
Getting All Up in a 15 Year Old Lifeguard's Grill

Actually this little story is the second time I have almost come to blows with a lifeguard at the city pool. The rules at our city pool are ridiculous or redickless as one of my old high school students spelled it. (thought you'd appreciate that Julianne)

I was going to explain all the back story, but it got long and tedious so here is the gist of it. We had moved out to chest deep water because I had a bloody ankle from being stomped on in the kiddie pool and some monster 13 year old had trampled MB. I had the baby and Hubby and I were passing the other 2 back and forth between us. The Lifeguard told us it was not acceptable for one adult to be holding 2 kids. Rather than being rational adult who understands that the rules may be stupid, but they are the rules and getting in a fight with a teenager about them is juvenile, I freaked out.

"Why!?!"

The lifeguard looked at me with a disbelieving, I can't believe some parents are so stupid, look and replied, "Because it is dangerous."

"What do you think I am going to drop one of my children and not notice? Do you think this is anymore dangerous than letting them be trampled to death by a herd of moron 13 year old boys which you allow to run through the kiddie pool? Or hey, check out that kid bouncing to his death because you don't have a rope separating the kiddie pool from the deep end."

At this point Hubby started slinking away, trying to join the crowd of spectators.

"I am leaving! I am never coming back to this pool! Your rules are idiotic! Where is your boss?"

I stomped off. Well, when you stomp off in a pool, it kinds of loses its effect. Once all the onlookers had gotten bored, Hubby rejoined me and talked me back down to sanity, which is his role in our marriage. If it weren't for him, there would be a body count by now.

Story #2
Testimony Meeting Rebellion

(More disclaimer: Guy at Church is a fantastic guy, his wife is awesome. I am the one with the problem.) Guy at church makes an analogy about mistakes, comparing mistakes in life to putting hymn books in the holders the wrong direction. He told us to put the books in correctly to prevent damage to the spine. Just because he said something about it, I could not bring myself to reach up and turn the books in front of me. I looked around and everyone was obediently turning their books to the correct position. Very sneaky like, while no one was watching me, I reached up and turned all the hymn books on my pew upside down.

Story #3
In Which I Wanted to Stab Myself in the Eye With a Binky (hey it was all I had on hand) During the Parent Meeting for DQ's School

My little kindergartner, DQ, will be attending a smarty pants charter school starting next Monday. The school has uniforms, which already has me a little chaffed. But from what I understand the regular public schools are atrocious, so I am comprising my beliefs in individuality to hopefully get a better education for my kid. It better be worth it.

During the meeting they go through all the uniform rules. Shirt must be from Such -N- Such Screen Printers with school logo. Pants must Dickie Brand black. During the winter, any sweatshirts or long sleeve undershirts must be in the approved colors, black, green, gray or white. At this point my eyes are rolling and the bile is rising.

Jewelry will be kept to a minimum, no large hoops or dangle earrings. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Then the snack and lunch policy.
"The following items will not be permitted in a child’s snack or lunch:

Soda, diet soda

Candy or candy bars
Cookies, brownies, cupcakes, cake, etc. (100 calorie packs are acceptable)
Pop Tarts
Gum

Prohibited snacks will be sent home unopened with the scholar and an alternative snack
will be provided for that day."

I almost stood up and yelled. "If Andrew brings Pop Tarts to school, they'll all bring pop tarts to school. It'll be ANARCHY!" Instead I just rolled my eyes some more, swallowed the rising bile, and started staring at a really interesting dot on the ceiling.

Okay, I understand they don't want kid's to be all sugared up at school and they want them to eat healthy foods, thus hopefully breaking the cycle of obesity in America. I agree with all that, but just because they made a rule and wrote it out in their handbook, makes me want to send DQ to school with a box of Twinkies and secretly pass them to all her classmates at recess.

I have a problem!

This is for those of you who did not get the earlier reference because you don't have Breakfast Club memorized as I do. (Okay, I have most 80's teen flicks memorized. I know, I know, I have a problem. More than one apparently.)

The quote you need to hear is at 2:30ish.

Ha!

2010-08-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

MB just tried to end an argument by counting to 3.

MB: I sleeping on couch!

Me: No, you're sleeping in your bed.

MB: Yes

Me: No

MB: YES

Me: No

MB: I SLEEPING ON COUCH! 1 . . . 2 . . . 3!

Joys of Motherhood Revisited

2010-08-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I wrote this top 10 list. I decided it was time for an update.

10. When Monkey Boy screams, "I WANT CAKE!!!" with his big bawling snake mouth over and over and over and over again the entire time I am in the grocery store.

9. Stepping on those effing LeapFrog magnetic alphabet blocks. Why the Hell did I buy that thing?!? It's not like Drama Queen can practice spelling with it. 90% of the blocks are under the fridge and the other 10% are under my feet.

8. Happy Angel Baby head-butts on the bridge of my nose.

7. Barbie movies. Listen to the lovely song that ends up on repeat in my head. And just when it stops, Drama Queen starts singing it again. Love that harmony. It is so shrill it makes my hair stand on end.

6. Pee!

5. Little trails of baby vomit.

4. Sharing my bed, and my pillow with a barely potty trained little boy. M.B. routinely gets up at 4 am, shuffles to the end of our bed, grabs my big toe to pull himself up onto the bed, and then smashes himself next to me for the rest of the night. Hubby gets his half of the bed all to himself. Monkey Boy lays as close to me as possible, I scoot a little for some breathing room, and he scoots even closer, plastering his sweaty little body to me. I am left gripping the edge of the mattress trying not to roll off onto my night stand.

3. Trying to diaper and clothe an octopus baby who is doing an alligator death roll.

2. "Fetch Mom, Fetch! Good girl!" Angel baby loves this game. Usually he plays this when I am distracted, talking to the receptionist at the Dr.'s office or something. I give him a toy to keep him occupied, he throws it on the floor, I bend down and pick it up, I hand it back to him, he throws it on the floor. This usually goes on at least 5 times before I realize what is going on. By this time the receptionist or whoever I am trying to carry on a conversations with is looking at me like I am a complete moron and justifiably so.

1. Holding DQ on my lap, she looks up at me with lovey eyes and says, "I love you so much!" then with confusion, pointing to my chin, "I thought girls don't get hairs on their chins."

Everything I Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned at Petsmart

2010-08-07T15:25:00.001-07:00

Only a few months after Hubby and I got married, I decided I needed a puppy. We justified this by believing that Jackson (Hubby's Dog) needed a friend because we were gone a lot. Now we have two monster beasts tearing up our backyard and costing a small fortune in dog food. I sometimes regret getting that second dog and I will admit there have been a few times, after they worked together to rip a new hole in their metal kennel, run way, and made me chase them down, I have considered kicking them into oncoming traffic. But even after all that, I truly believe training and owning a dog prepares you for parenthood.

Really if you think about it there isn't that much difference between a 3 year old and a dog. Dogs pee all over your house, 3 year olds pee all over your house. Dogs ruin your furniture, 3 year olds jump, climb, draw on and yes mine even chews on the furniture. Dogs don't understand the majority of the things you ask them to do, 3 year olds understand but, choose not to do what you ask them to do. Dogs stink, 3 year olds (especially boys) stink. Dogs sniff your crotch, Okay, my 3 year old doesn't sniff my crotch, but he is the perfect height for a good headbutt in the crotch.

When I got my puppy, my hubby thought I should take a puppy class at Petsmart because I had never trained a dog before. The lessons I learned there have proven to be invaluable. If you are thinking about having kids, borrow someone's dog and take a class. If you have particularly unruly young children, perhaps you could just take them to puppy class and the other participants wouldn't notice or may just wonder what breed you had.

If you can't get to a class here are some of the key lessons I learned from Petsmart Puppy Class:

* You are the master. You have to establish dominance in the relationship. If you don't, you might as well throw in the proverbial towel.

* You shouldn't beat them to make them behave.

* Good behavior and tricks are taught by consistent rewards i.e. treats or bribes. Be honest, if you are a parent you have taught your offspring tricks in order to show off how amazing, smart or adorable they are.

* Success takes continual practice and consistency.

* Don't get sucked into their games. e.g. Chasing a dog that is running away from you accomplishes nothing because the dog thinks it is a game.
**The teacher actually told us when the dog runs away, you should lay face down and the dog will think you are hurt and come to you. Yes, I have lain face down on a stranger's front lawn before, but that is a story for another time.

* When you are reprimanding them, use a loud growl-y voice, like a mean dog. This works especially well with children!

Some commands that work equally well with dogs and children:

"Stay" "Sit" "Heel" "Leave it!" "Play Dead"

Goi Cuon Wild

2010-06-26T15:51:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while I have to break my usual ranting style for a recipe CUZ I love to cook!

My summer favorite . . . Goi Cuon or Vietnamese Salad rolls or Vietnamese Spring rolls or Vietnamese Summer roll. Whatever you want to call them they are fresh, trendy and Asian so they must be good.

Basically it is just a rice paper wrapper wrapped around herbs, veggies, rice noodles and a bit of meat.

Here is my monstrous yummy.

The stuff I like in mine:

Shrimp
Mint
Cilantro
Green onion
Carrot
Lettuce

I just use Sweet Chile Sauce for dip.

You can make yummy peanut sauce, but I am a little on the lazy side this summer

Here is a video that explains the basics of how to make them. Not really sure why the cameraman goes in and out of focus. Artistic flair I guess.

Follow-up

2010-06-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

My initial impression of the Dr. who worked on my feet was good, not just good, I was impressed by his apparent expertise in all things plantar fasciitis. I was wrong.

Went for my follow-up appointment today and our conversation went like this.

Dr.: So how did everything go after the proceedure.

Me: Um, I was in excruciating pain and I had to borrow crutches to even get around.

Dr.: Thanks for that feedback. I hadn't really thought of that before. Maybe I should send crutches home with my future patients.

Me: (Slightly sarcastic)Or maybe a pain pill would be nice.

Dr.: (In astonishment) I didn't send you home with a prescription for Vicodin?

Me: Um, NO!

Dr.: Huh, I must of forgot. Sorry!

Me: Sorry?!? How about I punch you in the face really hard, kick you between the pockets a few times and then send you home without any pain pills? I think that would be the fair thing to do. And how about you just give me that prescription now and I can use it the next time I have an Ass-hat for a Dr.

Everyday, All Day

2010-06-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

I hate family guy. I know, I know, to some of you that almost seems blasphemous. I agree it is funny, really funny, but I feel like I need to be washed down with bleach in a scalding hot shower after I watch it.

However, I love this clip and it pretty much sums up my life.

I Believe. . .

2010-06-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

. . . in Karma, the law of moral causation or in other words if you do doo-doo to other people, doo-doo will be done unto you. The reason why I put the majority of my extra weight on from the waist up is because I made fun of one of my Jr. High teachers for looking like a chicken, tiny legs, big bulbous belly. Karma does not just include doo-doo though. Generous people never go without. Kindness comes back too.

. . . Heavenly Father has a sense of humor when it comes to my life. Example #1, when I said, "It would be nice to move someplace warm." Example #2, when I said, "I cannot, CANNOT, have another baby right now." Example #3, have you met my son Monkey Boy? Talk about Karmic retribution. Example #4, I grew up in a farming town, got out, and vowed never to move back. If you know where I live now, you are snickering a bit to yourself.

. . . all crawling babies when left on their own for more than 1 split second will find an outlet and try to suck on it.

. . . dads are incapable of dressing their children in matching clothing, even if all the child's clothes are hung in the closet in matching outfits. My hubby now puts ridiculous clothes on the kids just to see my reaction.

. . . little boys are born with a "need" to pee on things and a repertoire of sound effects ranging from car engines, and gun fire to dinosaur roars.

. . . complainers get more of what they complain about. If you don't have enough money, if your job sucks, if you don't have any friends, complain about it, focus on it and you will be sure to get more of the same. Focus your energy on solving the problem rather than complaining about it. You will get better results and the people around you won't want to duct tape your mouth shut.

. . . Along the same lines, negativity breeds negativity. All it takes is one bad apple in the bushel, tired colloquialism, but true. One negative person begets another, begets a whole festering mess of unhappy nasty people. When poop happens do not pay it forward. Retaliation does not make it better. Also, beware of nasty people in righteous clothing. "Wherefore, by their fruits, ye shall know them."

. . . you should never "diet." Love your lard butt! Life is too short to give up Doritos, ice cream, butter, pizza, brownies. I'm not saying to live in unhealthy processed bliss, but rather try and eat your veggies, exercise, eat an entire bag of Doritos occasionally and love yourself. I don't want to pass on weight consciousness and self loathing to my daughter.

Mom's Cortisone Shot According to DQ

2010-06-09T14:58:00.001-07:00

Here she is, my little Drama Queen.

Click here to view this video

Holy Sugar Honey Iced Tea!!!!

2010-06-08T15:35:00.001-07:00

*This post contains some language that may be inappropriate for some readers

Sometimes I am stupid. I have been running on sore feet for months now. In my twisted thinking, the pain was worth the tingly, giddy high I get from running.

Our insurance year is coming to an end and since we had met the out-of-pocket and everything would be covered until the end of June, I finally decided to go get things checked out. Plantar Fasciitis was the verdict. Sleeping with night splints and cortisone shots was the agreed upon treatment.

Yesterday I went in for my cortisone shots. Holy Hell-a-mighty!!!!!!! He warned me that they hurt. In fact he said, "These are extremely painful" multiple times and he gave me a prescription for Valium I was to take 1 hour prior to the procedure. Here was my thought process on this: "Surely they can't be that bad. Valium? Really? I am tough. I am not afraid of needles. I can totally do this. Valium? Don't need it, but I bet it will give me a nice legitimate high. I better fill that prescription."

I took the Valium. It did nothing!!!!!!! I was so disappointed. I got a little light headed on the drive over and that was it.

The whole fam went to the office with me, since I was supposed to be unable to drive. Hubby and the boys waited in the waiting room, but DQ insisted on going in with me. She was fascinated by the whole thing. She asked everyone questions and informed them when there was blood that needed wiped up. I have a video of her version, but for some reason it won't load. I'll post it later.

This is my version: Holy Shit, Hell, Damn, Dumb Bastard, Son of a Bitch!!!!!! Big Dude, who I originally thought would be unnecessary, was definitely needed to hold my leg down. I saw the needle and I thought, "Are you effing kidding me?"

This is not the actual needle. I stole this picture off someone's blog. The Dr. did say he used a 22 gauge spinal needle, which is what this is a picture of.

Dr.: "Going to feel a pinch now." The room starts to spin, I start my Lamaze breathing, and Big Dude lets out a "Wo!" I guess I was stronger than he expected. The suckiest part was that the pain was not constant. Sharp, then dull, then nothing, then nerve shock through my entire body. It hurt so bad I screamed like the stupid girls on TV giving birth. No lie.

The Dr. dug around, dug around, dug around some more and then said, "I am sorry, but I can't get it at this angle. I am going to have go again in a different spot." It is a good thing Big Guy was holding my leg, or I would have successfully kicked the Dr. in the teeth. I swear it took 5 minutes to do the first foot.

The second went much smoother, but I still screamed. After it was all over, nurses walking by kept poking their heads in to see who was making all the ruckus. They would say things like, "Ha Ha, What are you doing to her, Dr. Are you killing her or something?" "Wow, you sure can scream." Even the girl who checked me out commented on the noise. I was mortified.

Today, I can't even walk on the foot he jabbed twice. All in all. . . I am never getting a cortisone shot again, and when my body tells me to stop running I will listen.

Lov-e-ly Summer Infusions

2010-05-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie. I love iced tea in the summer and I am not opposed to drinking it caffeine free. Luzianne is the bestest. The problem is I like Sweet Tea, the Southern version, where you make a simple syrup first and then add the tea bags. I sometimes used Splenda instead of sugar. My hubby would come home, pour himself a big glass, take a sip, and then shoot me a nasty stink eye. He's not a fan of artificial sweeteners. Either way, sugar or Splenda, not so good for the new healthier, less processed version of myself anyway.

So I have started experimenting. I have found some lovely substitutes for the necessary ice cold summer beverage. I have been filling my tea jar with water and adding slices of lemon and mint or lemon and cucumber or lemon and cucumber and mint. When we got a coconut in our bountiful basket, I added a bit of the coconut water. I think Coconut water and lime might be tasty. It's been fun to experiment. Yummmmmm. So far all of the concoctions have been oh so refreshing and they make me feel all healthy and stuff. Yee-Ha!

Whizzer

2010-05-20T08:20:00.001-07:00

This morning as I sat on the couch feeding Angel Baby, I heard Monkey boy's shuffle run to the bathroom, the smack of the toilet seat being lifted, and the splat of urine hitting the rim of the toilet, the wall, the floor, hitting anything but the water. There was an occasional tinkle as the urine passed from the wall to the floor at his feet, but mostly just a splat sound. "That's it! I am buying a urinal," I think to myself.

I have tried everything I can think of to get this kid to pee in the toilet. At first I thought, I'll just make him sit. He peed over the seat and hit the wall opposite him. Then I thought I would teach him to aim it himself. I threw some cheerios in the toilet and told him to take aim. He peed all over his hand and the wall behind the toilet. I bought a potty seat with a guard, he peed over the guard. My bathroom smells like an outhouse. Even the cleaner I use now registers as pee in my mind.

I checked on-line. You can get a urinal for less than $100. There is room for one next to the toilet in the kid's bathroom. Don't be surprised if the next time you visit, my bathroom has a new fixture.

Mooooooommy!

2010-04-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

There is a never ending stream of tattle flowing from Drama Queens mouth, always several decibels higher than necessary.

Mommy, Monkey Boy is throwing mud at me!

Mommy, MB pulled the chicken's tail!

Mommy, the baseball will have to come inside. MB keeps throwing it at me. I am worried that he might hit my head and I might die.

Mommy, MB is opening the forbidden window.

Mommy, MB is cleaning the worms again.

Mommy, MB is putting rocks in the pool.

Mommy, he hit me with a fly swatter.

Mommy, MB poked me.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

Edible Foodlike Substances and Other Updates

2010-04-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

Be forewarned, this post is lengthy and not entertaining.

Holy Crap, I have been busy. Not in the fun, too many social gathering or cool stuff kind of way. In the stuck at home, bribing Monkey Boy to pee in the toilet and not in his pants, hosing mud out of the kiddies ears, cooking dinner (okay, ordering pizza), doing dishes, busting up the never-ending drama fest between Drama Queen and Monkey Boy, and all the while having a baby attached to my boob kinda busy.

The hubby is finally done with Baseball Spring Training so I get to see him more than just the hour between when he comes home and when he slips into unconsciousness on the couch. I guess there was the 5 or so minutes it took me to wake him up and get him to move off the couch and into the bed. Now he gets home at 3:30ish and he even has days off. Wa & Hoo!

Okay, enough explanations and excuses. This is the real reason I am writing. I made a few New Year's resolutions and this year instead of forgetting about them in February, I really am trying to accomplish them.

One goal was to eat less processed foods and go natural. I heard Michael Pollan on NPR (Yes, I am an NPR nerdy nerd) discussing his book Food Rules. Fascinating. I know he has written other books, but I am honestly not usually much of a nonfiction reader, and they are big, and I didn't think I would have the wherewithal to finish them. Food Rules is short, to the point and memorable. Some of my favorite food rules:

Rule #20 It's not food if it arrived through the window of your car.

Rule #36 Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of your milk.

Rule #39 Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.

Pollan differentiates real food from the processed crap we eat. He says there is food and then there is edible foodlike substances. It is amazing to me how our food industry has created this monster by trying to make food cheaper and addicting so we eat more of it. And perhaps because I am a teacher and deal with teenagers with lots of issues like ADD, OCD, ED, ODD, ADHD, BD, DBD, etc., I keep wondering if it may have a lot to do with our food. I know of people who are allergic to red food coloring. It doesn't give them hives, or stop their breathing, it changes the way they behave. Who is to say that all of the garbage we fill ourselves and our children with isn't causing emotional and behavioral problems.

And here is another little nugget of information that surprised me. Americans on average only spend 10% of their income on food, which is LESS than the citizens of any other nation. We spend our money on cheap quantity rather than quality.

That all said, the kids are now awake, I have piles of laundry to do, I have to go grocery shopping and a Sausage McGriddle washed down with a Diet Coke really sounds good about now!

Rambling Unsolicited Advice at Midnight, When I Really Should be in Bed Instead of Blogging

2010-03-10T21:46:00.001-08:00

What is it with men and the need for them to give advice to women about exercise? I was at the park running with my friend tonight and while we were stopped for a moment to discuss our running strategy for the evening, some dad of a little leaguer walked by and said, "Don't just stop. You got to walk it off." Really? Who asked ya?

It reminded me of the days when I used to actually have time to go to the weightroom and the vertically challenged boys who were as wide as they were tall always had to come by and give me "pointers". Good grief. Go drink a protein shake and leave me alone. Do not expect me to bow before your enlightened exercise holiness. And just because I am a girl, doesn't mean I am an exercise retard. Oh and by the way, your neck may be as big around as my thigh, but it doesn't change the fact that you are only 4'8".

So, this is my unsolicited advice to men who can't refrain from giving unsolicited advice to me (and I would dare say most other women) while I am working out.

"Please just zip it and keep on walkin' by. While I am working out, I feel particularly kick assy (yes, that is the scientific term), and I am awfully tempted to kick you in the groin. Have a nice day!"

P.S. I ran 8 of the "1/2 mile loops" around the park, which I think is about 3 miles. Wa-hoo! And, yes, I know I am crappy at math, but I didn't add that up wrong. Apparently city planners either can't measure or they lie, CUZ I'm pretty sure I don't run a 9 min mile, which is the time it takes me to run 2 of the "1/2 mile loops."

The List , Dun Dun Dun. (Lower the pitch as you say each Dun, so it sounds ominous!)

2010-02-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

My mom was and is a list maker. Each Saturday my brother and I each had our own dreaded LIST. It was a list of house cleaning chores that had to be completed before we could play. I swear the list took us until midnight to complete.

Now I wake each morning with a LIST in my head titled, "Things I am finally going to get done today". I never get it done. Usually I only get to about 2 things. My list just keeps getting longer. Today my list is especially long and I haven't even managed to put a shirt on yet.

Faux Moby Wrap

2010-02-19T10:34:00.000-08:00

I made this for my Bro's Wife.

Drama Queen was my photographer. So the pictures may be a little blurry.

I Could Write a Book!

2010-02-17T09:39:00.001-08:00

I have a hard time with stupidity. Stupid parents are the hardest for me to deal with. That was the hardest part of teaching, watching stupid parents do a crap job of raising their children, turning them into stupids too. And then the stupid children get pregnant at 15 and become stupid parents themselves.

A few days ago I was discussing a stupid parent with a friend. I went home and couldn't sleep. I fantacized about calling the mom up, "I know you don't know me, but you, my friend, are a moron"

So, to combat stupid parents everywhere I think I should write a book. I mean I am just as much an expert as the crazy Christian guy who wrote the Babywise books or some child psychotherapist who has only read about children in books, but doesn't actually have any of his own. (Does anyone know if that Ferber guy has kids?) ( And seriously "Ferberization"? It sounds like the process by which creepy animated animal toys hypnotize small children into doing some evil mastermind's bidding)

In my book I will include chapters on ground breaking parenting technics like "Lock Yourself in the Bathroom and Enjoy a Popsicle While your Kids Scream at the Door" and "Sick of you Kids Demanding your Attention? Why Don't you Pop in a Disney Movie?"

I have already started on the quick reference lists I will include in the appendixes. Here is a sample:

Appendex I : Fantastic Empty Threats.

"Get in here before I beat your butt off!"

"If you don't clean up this mess you are never watching TV again in your life!"

"Stay in your bed and go to sleep or I am going to tie you to it!"

Appendex II : Quick Motivators

Use bribes whenever possible. "If you get in the car without throwing a fit in the parking lot, we can go to QT and get you a 32 oz. slushy."

Repeat your requests at least 3 times in a row using screaming hysterical voice. "Move it! Move it! Move it!"

Shake your fist in a threatening manner.

I am positive that with the implementation of my scientifically proven* parenting technics, your kids will turn out self confident, well adjusted, and you can live a life minimally interrupted by their needs.

*The author of this book is not actually a scientist, but she did use the highly acclaimed scientific method on her own children. She learned this scientific method during her studies at Hazelton Elementary.

Update on the "tried and true"

2010-02-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

I went to do another load of dishes. The citric acid made it clump up. Weird! It still did a nice job, but I had to break it up and shake it a bit. I am thinking maybe I will keep the citric acid separate and just add it when I start the washer.

Dish Voila--Quest for Cheap and Natural Dishwasher Detergent

2010-02-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my last post there would be more on natural cleaners. There are lots of recipes on line, but I didn't want to post anything until I had tried it and I liked it. So, after many loads of chalky dishes, I have solved the cheap and natural dishwasher detergent mystery.

My dishwasher has always left a chalky film on my dishes. Different detergents left varying degrees of chalky, but no matter how light the gritty film is on a glass, you still don't want to drink out of it. I tried Jet Dry, no bueno, no worko, mucho gritto. So, when I tried my natural concoction, no surprise, the dishes came out gritty.

Tuesday night, after I re-washed all of my glasses and silverware by hand, and kicked the dishwasher a few times, I decided to do a little research on-line. I realized my problem was not the detergent, but the hard water build up in the washer. The miracle product that is the rage on all the natural mommy blogs is Lemi-Shine, available at Target and The Store That Must Not Be Named.

Really I think it is just citric acid, but it really does work like a miracle. You put it in the detergent cup, run your dishwasher empty for about 5-10 minutes, stop the dishwasher and leave the water in it overnight, and then finish the cycle in the morning.

I did my first load of dishes in my clean dishwasher with my homemade detergent last night and they came out clean and slick, no grit!

So here is the recipe for homemade dishwasher detergent that works!

1 cup baking soda

1 cup borax

2 packets of Lemonade Koolaid mix.
(you know the kind that doesn't have the sugar.
It is just citric acid with a little artificial flavoring)

Put 1 TBS in the pre-wash cup and 1 TBS in the wash cup.

Use White Vinegar instead of Jet Dry.

New Year's Blah-D-Blah

2010-01-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have New Year's resolutions. Oh yes! I do.

1. To be less of a Judgmental Jerk Wad. I realize I am judgmental. I am very intolerant of people who are intolerant. And yes, I realize that this is hypocritical, and I hate hypocritical people. They are so fake. So, you see the inherent problem with my behavior.

So, the specifics on how I will achieve this goal. I will not talk bad about individuals to anyone but my husband. (Hey, a girl's gotta vent sometime.) I will only make fun of stereotypical groups of people (i.e. Typical Wal-mart Shoppers) and I will only do it for the sake of humor, not maliciously.

2. To live a less processed and chemical life. I find the concept of sustainability very intriguing. Honestly, I would love to live on lots of acreage somewhere in the Pacific Northwest with a few close friends, raise yummy organic food and make as much stuff as we can. The boys will still go to work, the kids will feed the goats and chickens while me and my friends knit cute hats made from angora rabbit fur to sell at the local farmer's market. I don't see it happening any time soon, but it is a nice little dream.

Until then, we will eat our own chicken eggs. We will have a garden, dagnabbit! I will continue to use cloth diapers. I will make as much of our food from scratch as I can. No more cream of salt and MSG soup, no more cans of dough that pop, no more store bought mixes (with the exception of brownie mix, because homemade just aren't the same!) I am going to check around and find some locally grown meats and if we can afford it, we will eat it. I have also started experimenting with homemade natural cleaners. There will be lots more on this later, but so far it has been very fun and the stuff really works and works well!

So far that is it for my New Year's resolutions. I would like to add that I am going to quit caffeine, but we all know that is a fantasy. Maybe someday they will invent a patch or a pill like the ones to get off nicotine. Until that day, give me my Diet Coke and no body gets spanked!

My Spidey Sense is Tingling

2010-01-24T21:28:00.001-08:00

Isn't it amazing how the day you become a mother you are endowed with super hearing powers. In the middle of the night, all my kids have to do is breath funny and I am instantly awake and alert. I swear I can hear them thinking about crying.

Night after night, I am the one to rush down the hall to comfort a little one. When I go back to my bed (which is now cold), I listen to my peacefully sleeping husband's soft snores and I ponder yet another injustice in the genders. Then I "accidentally" kick him in the shin.

Joyful Girl

2010-01-22T21:43:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt inspired to write lately. The usual fodder for my writing flame is stuff that irritates me and lately I haven't been irritated. Perhaps it's the weather.

Really I think it is partly that I am starting a little on-line business and it keeps my brain going. It is kind of filling the creative void that has been increasing in depth ever since I quit working. I am pretty sure it won't be amazing. I am positive I won't be the next famous bloggy hip stay at home mommy with amazing pictures of my gorgeous, perfect children sporting my newest creations, but I am having fun and hopefully it will make enough money to pay for more fabric to make more stuff.

I am also running with some girls from church. Love those endorphins. Love making new friends. Maybe I will lose a little of my BIF (Butt in Front).

Anyway, the late night talk shows are beginning, which means I have been messing around on the internet for way too long. Off to bed! Here's to more joyful days!

Name Please?

2010-01-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about starting a little business on-line selling nursing covers and hopefully diapers made from recycled T-shirts. The diapers are proving to be a little more difficult to get going (more on that later).

Anyway, I have been trying to think of a business name so I can put together a website. Any ideas? I am fresh out of creativity today.

I'm not crafty! I'm an artisan!

2010-01-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

So here are some of the projects I was stressing over.

Scarf for Sis N Law.

Lap quilts for Bro and his wifey.

Reversible capes (idea stolen from my cousin) for monkey boy and niece and nephews.

Sun painted fat quarters for my quiltin' momma.

Doorway puppet theater for Drama Queen. She got the puppets last year for Christmas.

So, I'm not sure DQ will be believing in Santa for long. She told my mom, "Santa did not make my puppet theater. It was my mom's creation. I saw the picture of the faces she was working on." I told her that I helped Santa because he was so busy. She told me, "No, the elves help Santa." I said, "Well, Santa came. He ate your cookies and drank the milk." She replied, "Yeah, he ate the cookies." Then she paused for a minute, I could see the wheels turning in her little brain. "No! You ate the cookies!" At that point I just gave up and dropped the subject. Good grief!

"The Hap Hap Happiest Christmas . . ."

2009-12-17T22:49:00.000-08:00

Fair warning - This post contains explicatives. One is in a quote from a movie which you have all watched and laughed at, so try not to get your panties in a bunch. Others, well, they are just me and most of you know when I am frustrated, mad, surprised, happy, sad, or just being me, I swear. If you are going to be offended, don't read and please don't judge. I come from a long line of cursers. It is a skill that has been passed down through the generations, and I'd like to think I am rather good at it.

Holidays are both wonderful and craptacular. Maybe that is why we love them so much. In the book The Count of Monte Cristo there is a quote near the end that says something about how in order to experience ultimate joy, we have to have experienced ultimate pain. Christmas day is wonderful because all the preparation before hand is complete hell.

I hope you all don't read this and think I am a total blubbering idiot. I am just ticked off at the moment. Tonight it just seems like the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan. Just let me spew it all out and in a few minutes I will be fine.

I am stressed. We are leaving in 2 days and I have mountains of sewing and packing and wrapping to do. (Yet I am blogging instead, huh?)

I am sad. My Grandfather is knocking on Death's door and I don't know if I am going to make it in time to see him and I don't know if I want to see him like that and why does he have to die during Christmas? Everytime I look up on my shelf at the annoying saxaphone playing reindeer he gave my kids last Christmas, I have to cry a little bit.

I am frustrated. I was lured by the $5.99 haircut coupon I recieved in the mail and got a haircut at Shit Clips or Pooper Cuts or whatever crappy salon it was. The cut is nothing like the picture I took in. I look like a moron.

I am pissed. The powers that be at my hubby's work just informed him that his schedule is changing and his days off will now be Fri/Sat instead of Sun/Mon. So, that means I have to go to the first part of church with 3 kids all by myself. Shit balls!

So to sum it up, in the words of Clark Griswold,

"Hallelujah, Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

Whew! Now I feel a little better. Thanks for letting me vent!

Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays!

2009-12-14T11:37:00.001-08:00

If the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions, my personal highway to Hell is getting resurfaced this month. By January it will be a nice smooth black with crisp new lines and there may even be a new lane.

After Christmas last year I decided I was going to make gifts for the next Christmas. Mad dash, last minute, purchasing of gifts at Target just isn't the way I like to do Christmas. It just doesn't seem like the true Christmas spirit. Of course with commercialism and all the hoopla maybe today's Christmas spirit is smashed in a cutesy gift envelope along with a gift card from your favorite big box store.

Anyway, I like making things. I like thinking about the person and trying to make something just for them. I imagine the receiver of the gift may pull off the wrapping paper and think, "Why can't she just do gift cards like everybody else? What am I supposed to do with this?" but I hope they begrudgingly use the gift and then realize they always needed a crocheted cover for the handle of their toilet brush, they just didn't know it.

So, the plan was to start in January and make at least a gift a month until I was done. I started the first gift in January and I finished it in October. One down! About the middle of last month I had the, "Holy Crap!" moment and began frantically sewing. Many yards of fabric and about 3 spools of thread later I am seven down and two to go. Unfortunately, one of those is a puppet theater for Drama Queen. Good thing my mom has a good sewing machine at her house, because we leave on Saturday and there isn't a Zhu Zhu Pet's chance in Wal-mart I am going to get it done before then.

And by Hell, I am not going to go through this frantic sewing thing again. It's just too stressful. Next year I will be on top of it! I am going to start in January and make a gift a month.

Oh no, I'm that person.

2009-12-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

First a little confession. I really like the new sit-com Cougar Town. I was telling the Hubby how much I like it and that is was just my kind of humor.

He replied, "So it is just a bunch of people standing around making fun of each other?"

Crap! What does that say about me?

Wanted: Pediatrician

2009-11-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

Since our move a year ago, we have been through 4 pediatricians, not counting the Instacare Dr.'s. There have been at least 3 of those.

I am seeking a Pediatrician who:

1. knows what the hell he/she is talking about.

2. schedules appointments in advance. One Dr.'s office would only schedule for that day. If I didn't call at 5 am I was SOL.

3. tells me what immunizations my child is receiving, before sending the nurse in to jab needles into my kid's leg. I would also appreciate a run through of possible side effects. Is that too much to ask?

4. does not chew gum with an open mouth.

5. does not talk baby talk. Grown men talking baby talk is ridiculous no matter what their profession is. My kid thinks you're ridiculous too, by the way.

6. does not talk to the 2 week old baby about his "guys" while fondling the baby's testes.

7. has a clean office. I do not want to wonder what the stain is on the seat I am sitting on.

8. employs individuals to run the front desk who have at least 2 braincells to rub together.

9. does not make me wait in a little tiny exam room with 3 kids for longer than 15 minutes. My time is important too.

10. does not wear tight fitting scrubs. I also do not want to see chest hair curling out of your V-neck. You are not a 70's porn star.

I Surrender

2009-11-26T17:36:00.000-08:00

My love of all things culinary got the better of me. I went to the store for butter and Doritos and returned with all the fixin's for a Thanksgiving dinner. So much for my wallowing and baa humbug attitude.

Thanksgiving Pizza

2009-11-26T09:41:00.000-08:00

This is our first and hopefully our last Thanksgiving with no family. Many nice friends have given us invites to their Thanksgiving feasts. I prefer to wallow in my self pity at home, thanks. For some reason, crashing someone else's family festivities, eating with mostly strangers, seems worse than being home and pretending it is not Thanksgiving at all.

So, we are home. There is a take and bake pizza in the fridge ready to go. The kids are outside playing in the warm Arizona sun. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. I just wish the announcers for the Football game would stop bringing up food and family.

That said, I do feel the need to write my thankful list, though there is no ceramic turkey to put it in.

I am thankful for caffeinated beverages and Sonic coupons to buy them with. Thanks Brisday, the drive-thu girl, for giving me stacks of coupons every day!

I am thankful for Craigslist and Freecycle, because I have developed my husband's family's love of scrounging for free stuff, in hopes I can turn it into something amazing. Best finds this year: 60" rear projection TV, bags and bags of knit fabric, a kiddie pool, and a coffee table.

I am thankful for PBS kids. I love that it can keep my kids occupied for a good share of the morning while I put the house back together from the previous day. And it is educational, so I feel less guilty about letting them watch it for hours.

I am thankful for the his and hers corners in our house. One for Drama Queen and one for Monkey Boy.

I am thankful for cereal, PB and J, Mac 'n Cheese, and hotdogs. Without them my children would probably starve.

I am thankful for our home.

I am thankful for unexpected blessings popping into our lives when we need them most. A check in the mail, bags of boy clothes from a friend, a scholarship for Kate's preschool.

Thankful for my parents for all their help, flour, corn and potatoes from home. My mom for talking to me everyday and being my friend.

Thankful for my hubby's parents too. They have helped us tons over years. Just finished off the last of the frozen meals his mom put together for us when the baby came and still have a pantry full of good food. Amazingly helpful as I have adjusted to life with 3.

I am thankful for perfect, wee toes, fingers, ears and big, happy, toothless grins.

I love unexpected bear hugs and slobbery kisses from a sometimes tender and sweet Monkey Boy.

I am grateful for Drama Queen's unique perspective and wisdom.

I am really, really, really thankful for my kind and patient husband, because we all know I am sometimes not that kind and definitly not that patient. He does his best to make me happy, and mostly I am.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and his tender mercies. For his guidance in my life and the comfort it gives me to know everything will be all right in the end; I just need to hang on.

Cuz Peeing you Pants is Cool!

2009-11-23T14:57:00.001-08:00

I have reached new heights in womanhood. After having 3 kids I can now pee my pants not only when sneezing, but when I cough or blow my nose. Since I am currently battling a sinus infection, ahh, good times, good times.

Yesterday, I had just finished peeing (not in my pants). I thought I was safe. I took a chance. I blew my nose and I peed my pants. WTH (What the Hell)!!!!!!!!

Monkey Turd

2009-11-18T13:13:00.000-08:00

That Monkey Boy is killin' me. These are some of the highlights of my day.

During breakfast MB threw handfuls of egg and toast onto the just mopped floor.

I came out of my bedroom from putting some laundry away to find Angel Baby laying on the floor in the hallway by his car seat. "Huh, I swear I remember laying him on the couch, but yet here he is kicking and staring in the middle of the floor." MB had picked him up, carried him across the room and tried to put him in the car seat. When reprimanded (screamed at and shot at with flaming darts out of my eyes) for picking up the baby he said, "Bonk head!" and pointed to the handle of the car seat which was in the up position. "Did you bonk Baby's head on the car seat?" I asked. "Ya!" He proudly replied. Somehow through all this Angel Baby was A-okay and not crying.

Then we went to a store that shall not be named, and the little turd ran away from me in the parking lot. It was really hard not to beat him.

While in the store I am too embarrassed to name, he wouldn't sit in the cart. We fought, he screamed and cried, and I gave in, letting him walk. In the electronics department, Soccer was playing on all the big beautiful TVs. He bolted away from me shouting "Bay-ball, Bay-ball" (all sports are baseball).

When I caught him I yanked him up as roughly as I dared in public and shoved him into the cart. He screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. For those of you who don't know what Monkey Boy looks like when he screams here is a picture.

It's not pretty. I think he could fit a Volleyball in his mouth.

We headed over to the fabric dept. where he continued his display of displeasure. I spied several women including the Fabric Cutter giving me, "Good hell, that kid is out of contol," and "Why can't that mom shut that brat up" and "She must be a horrid mother," looks. Mighty judgmental for shoppers of "The Store that Must not be Named" if you ask me.

Out at the car he ran away again so I pinned him with my leg against the back of the 4-runner while I loaded my purchases in the car.

He tormented Drama Queen all the way home.

Now he is napping and, thank the Lord, by the time we got home all that screaming had made him tired enough he went down without a fight.

I dread waking him up, but it must be done. I have to pick up Drama Queen from pre-school. I love being a stay-at-home mom! *hint of sarcasm*

Chronicles Chapter 2: Fav Fold and Anybody Want Diapers?

2009-11-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

I *heart* flat fold diapers. Reasons: They wash so nice and easy. There aren't a bunch of layers to make sure and get all the pee out of. There aren't a bunch of layers to take 2 hours in the the dryer to dry.

The Gerber flat folds I bought were awful! They are so small they barely fit Angel Baby's little bottom. The fabric they are made out of is a step up from gauze. I tossed those in my scrap pile and made my own. It is simple, just a square of flannel hemmed.

If you can't make your own, I was thinking about making them for people. I need to find out the price of the fabric, so I don't know how much I would need to charge. If you are interested let me know and I will find out the details.

This is the fold I use for my flat fold cloth diapers. I think it is cool.

Step 1

Take the bottom left corner up to the top right corner.

Step 2

Take that same corner you just had and drag it over to the left top corner. It will look like this:

Step 3

Take the bottom corner up and join it with the rest on the top left.

At this point I pick it up, hanging on to all the corners, making sure all the layers stay even on the top and then I shake it so everything straightens out.

Step 4

Fold the top layer 2 times so it looks like this:

Bonus Step

I turn the edges in a little so there is a little less bulk between Angel Baby's wee thighs.

And Wahla!

Promises Made to be Boken

2009-11-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

Dancing Queen and I had to have a little "heart 2 heart" last night after she got a "GO TO BED WITH NO STORIES!!!!" from her dad. Ahhh, parenting. I have so much respect for moms who have to go it alone. It would be hard to be Good Cop and Bad Cop at the same time.

So, back to the H2H. During this little moment she made a promise to listen. This is how well she is accomplishing that goal.

10 min after H2H - "Dancing Queen stop singing and go to sleep"

12 min after H2H - "DQ stop singing and go to sleep! Remember your promise?" DQ - "Oh sorry, I forgot.

13 min after H2H - Mom bursts into room, "STOP SINGING AND GO TO SLEEP!!!" Mom takes toy she has been singing to.

Next day- preparing to go out and of course we are late

Mom - Go get dressed.
Mom - Go get dressed.
Mom - GO GET DRESSED!!! Remember your promise?
DQ - Sorry I forgot.

Mom- Get your shoes on.
Mom - Get your shoes on.
Mom - GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW OR I WILL LEAVE YOU!!! (We all know we are not supposed to make empty threats, but I'd bet a million dollars everyone of you has done it!)

Mom - Get in the car.
Go around other side to put screaming Monkey Boy in.
Mom - Kate, get in the car and get in your seat.
Forgot something in the house.
Mom- You better be in that seat when I get back! Remember your promise.
DQ - Oh yeah! I almost forgot!
Come back.
DQ is in the driveway getting the paper.
Mom - "GETINTHECAR!!!GETINTHECAR!!!GETINTHECAR!!!GETINTHECAR!!

Neighbor moving in across the street wonders if he can back out after closing on the sale.

Question for the Ladies

2009-11-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

So, if you don't want to read about "The Pill", IUD's and other female related topics you may not want to read this post. This one is for the Ladies.

I want some feedback from real people and not just various pamphlets put out by the drug companies to push their products. I am at the choose your birth control stage of postpartum.

I want the scoop on IUD's Hormone and non, nuva rings, or whatever BC you love.

Chronicles of one Cheap and Dirty Cloth Diapering Mom: Chapter 1

2009-10-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

Many of you know of my recent foray into the world of cloth diapering. Well, I think I have finally found the method I plan to use, and am going to stick with it.

I am not cloth diapering because I am worried about the millions of diapers piling up in our landfills, or because I am "Go Green", or because I don't want chemical jelly weirdness on my kid's butt. I am cheap with a capital, bolded, italicized and red C. When I was pregnant, the reality of two kids in diapers hit me in the gut every time I went to Costco and shelled out $40 for about a month's worth of diapers. Soon it would be $80 a month to be pooped on and then thrown in the trash!

So, I started trying things out on the 2 year old Monkey Boy. (I hope someday he will turn into a real boy.) Here is the Low Down, or Down Low, or 411, or whatever kids are calling it these days.

Cheapest

Gerber Plastic Pants - 2 pack for $3.89 - You can get by with 6ish of these. As long as they didn't get "solids" on them, you can rinse them off and re-use. So you would use 2 a day and rotate them.

Flat Fold Diapers - I made mine (Tutorial to follow in another post someday) My mom found the diaper flannel at her local Cheap and Dirty Extravaganza, aka Wal-mart for about $2-3 / yard. I honestly think you could use any flannel or other absorbant fabric too. The Gerber flat folds I bought were crap!

Pros - It is cheap! The diapers dry fast and I think they get cleaner too because there aren't a bunch of layers.

Cons - Takes time to fold them and you either have to pull them out of the dryer right away or press them. They are hard to fold when they are all wrinkly. Getting them on the kid takes more time and skill because you have to pin or Snappi them. (I haven't tried Snappis)

Still Pretty Cheap

Fitted Diapers - I made these too. They take a little more time and are a little more costly because you have to have elastic and velcro, but you could make them out of anything, old T-shirts, old towels for the soaker. Here is one I made for Monkey Boy. I tried to make it more like training pants (Pull-Ups). I need to make adjustments, but it works pretty well.

You still have to have plastic pants over the top or some other kind of diaper cover.

Pros - no need to fold, more user friendly because they go on like a regular diaper.

Cons - take alot more time in the washer and dryer

Affordable-ish

Cool Diaper Covers -

I tried a Bumkins diaper cover ($12.75/ each) on the monkey. Kind of nice because it is made so you don't have to pin the diaper on the baby. Monkey boy hated it. I am not sure if it was because it was too small or the diaper kept shifting around.

Thirsties Duo Wrap - $12.25/ each I heard these are cool. I haven't tried them. The nice thing is they are adjustable and the nicer thing is that they come in 2 sizes because, honestly, there is no way you can make a one size diaper that will fit a new born and a 2 year old.

There are a bazillion other brands. Again you only need like 6ish of them because you can re-use them like the plastic pants. Still you are looking at more than $70 and you have to buy bigger ones as your baby grows.

For all those Trendy Go Greeners who can afford to save the environment, buy locallly grown organic, and drive Hybrids

All in Ones or for those of you down with the lingo, AIO's - Damn cool, but also damn price.

Bumgenius - $18/ each I did buy a 2 pack of these in the beginning. They are awesome. Soft, beautiful, they go on like a regular diaper. The outer layer is water proof and you insert a nice cooshy soaker in kind of a pocket. They claim to be one size, but Monkey Boy's big hinder didn't fit in them at all. They are working pretty well on Little One. He is probably in the 9 lb range.

Again there are alot of different brand options here. They are made with all sorts of organic, environment friendly renewable resources like Bamboo and stuff.

Pros - Convenient and cool. Good for dads who are skeptical of their crazy wives cloth diapering notions.

Cons - You can't re-use them so, you would have to have at least 2 days worth if you did laundry every day. At 18 bucks a piece, holy poop, that is a lot of money.

A Few Other Details

Liners - I haven't purchased these yet because Monkey Boy poops on a schedule. I have been using Disposables when I know a poop is coming, but now that I am going to switch completely over to cloth, I think it is well worth the few extra bucks.

Washing - I have read that you can keep your diapers in a pail with water and Borax to prevent stink. Also, throwing some Borax in with the laundry soap is supposed to remove pee smell. Going to try that as soon as I can get the courage to haul 2 monsters and an angel baby to the grocery store.

I have been using 2 wash cycles and an extra rinse at the end to wash diapers, but I think with flat folds only you could just wash once on the "Heavy Soil" cycle. I don't put any of the diaper covers in the dryer.

So there it is. Most of what I know about cloth diapering. I will post more information as I go. Also I will post some "How To's" on folding and sewing.

Have courage and tell your husbands to suck it up and deal!

Necessities

2009-10-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

A mom of 3 must have copious amounts of Diet Coke and Ibuprofen in order to survive.

A really long handled paddle enabling me to beat a child misbehaving on the other side of the room would be helpful too.

New Rules of the Walker House

2009-10-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

1. Don't touch the baby!

2. When Baby is sleeping, do not forcefully shove the binky in his mouth.

3. Do not hug, lay your head on or squeeze the baby.

4. Do not try and get a reaction by screaming at sleeping baby.

5. Do not kiss the baby while he is eating. Mom needs her space during feeding time.

6. Yes, Mom is glad you can say "eye" and that you know which body part it is, but please refrain from poking Baby in the eye.

7. Do not talk about his poop, his pee or ask questions about his "circle thing that he goes pee out of."

8. Do not laugh about the time Baby shot poop all over Mom.

9. Do not ask questions about the feeding process.

10. Do not point out that Mom's belly is still big or that it is really soft and squishy.

11. While Mom is feeding baby do not go in her bathroom and play in her make-up, pour yourself a glass of milk, play with sharp knives, or beat the hell out of each other.

12. Don't touch the baby!

Bungeyes, Unwanted Advice, and Other Things that Piss Me Off!

2009-09-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

I honestly have tried to refrain from bitching and moaning about being pregnant. You are probably saying to yourself, "Really? Because that is all she writes about latley." Well, I have limited myself. I could write everyday about the new horrors I have faced, like peeing my pants at Marshals or the stupid ass that asked me if I was having twins.

I wish people would quit saying things to me like, "What are you still doing here? I thought that you would be at home with a new baby." or "How far along are you?" "When are you due?" or some other assinine question lets me know they are thinking, "Good hell she is huge, I wonder how she can still be standing upright?"

The other thing I get lately is advice and old wives tales on how to get labor started. "Yes, I have tried taking long walks. Yes, I have tried spicy food. Yes, I have . . . um. . . I really don't like to talk about that with people at church. Yes, I have coughed, sneezed and rubbed my tummy while patting my head."

I am also tired of people staring at me. I catch them staring and I give them the stink eye while in my mind I yell, "What are ya staring at Bung Eyes?!" Usually a few minutes later I reach down and realize 6 inches of my stretch marked belly are hanging below my shirt. Aww, that explained the look of shocked disgust on their faces.

I have been to the hospital twice now, but with no luck. I am positive if I were in Logan I would have had this baby already. Instead of having a Triage Dr. at the hospital they would actually call your doctor (you know the one that actually knows what the hell is going on) and ask him what to do. Oh, and speaking of my Dr., she of course is out of town along with the majority of the other dr.'s in the office. Good Hell!!!!! I have been totally happy with my prenatal care up to this point but what kind of OB office allows the majority of their dr.'s to go on vacation at the same time. I can't get an appointment and who the hell is going to deliver my baby!!!!!

"Get Out Baby!" or Updates on the Lack of Delivery

2009-09-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

Thursday night I started having contractions at midnight. I have been having contractions for months now, but these were more hurty and got closer together. At around 4 am they were 5ish minutes apart, so we decided to go to the hospital and get this thing over with.

Got to the hospital, had a hard time walking to the labor and delivery wing because of the ouchy, sat down in their waiting room, and the contractions stopped. Nice! They checked me out and sent me home. Very anticlimactic.

I think maybe the problem is this boy is trying to come out the wrong way because his head is constantly pushing on my bladder. "Sorry kiddo, back it up and try again. Aim a little more towards the rear this time." Every time I have one of those "painless" Braxton Hicks contractions I have to run to the bathroom before I pee my pants. It is getting old.

Some guy at John's work said I couldn't have the baby until Wednesday because they needed to paint the lines on the agility field. Apparently they can't push the painter without him.

I told John to have the guy come say that to my face, so I could kick him in the bladder a few hundred times. I am thinking he would come to the realization that he could probably figure out how to push a painter without John's help.

Anyway, no baby yet, tired of baby head bashing my bladder, tired of peeing, tired of waiting and wondering. Wishing this kid would just hurry up and get here already.

Better

2009-08-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Friday was much, much better.

Fecal Thursday

2009-08-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

- Wake up grumpy, sore, still tired. . . nothing new I'm 8 mo. Preggo.

- Go to Mommy club at Splash Park. . . No one else showed.

- On way home stop and get gas. . . After I was done pumping, the car wouldn't start.

- Drink 2 Diet Cokes . . . rather than give me a happy lift, I end up more irritable.

- Sit down to a nice chat on Facebook. . . Jonas takes off poopy diaper while in his crib and smears poo everywhere. Positive note- Cleaning it up didn't make me puke, thanks to a bandanna sprayed with vanilla linen freshener tied around my face.

- Sit down to enjoy some TV. . . Big crash or maybe kind of a "thud, glug, glug" sound comes from the hallway. I had a brand new Costco size bottle of fabric softener sitting on top of the dryer. While I was drying the now clean poop sheets, the vibrations caused humongous bottle to fall on the floor and explode! Plus side - Now the floor is so slick and slimy the kids can skate on it. Entertainment for hours!

- Finally, lay down in bed for another restless, toss and turny night. . . Dinner doesn't agree with me. Go throw up. Sleep on the couch in order to keep head propped up and what's left of dinner in tummy.

Here's to hoping today is better.

Rainy Day

2009-08-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

It rained all night last night and it is gloomy and gray outside. I am curled in the arm chair with a blanket, hot cup of tea in hand. I turned the air conditioner way up so I can pretend it is the kind of rainy day I miss and not the hot and steamy Arizona kind.

A few things that probably should have been said to people's faces, but in my usual avoid confrontation way didn't get said and are now eating at me

2009-08-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

I am tired of all the wailing and gnashing of teeth over socialized medicine. Um, last I heard that wasn't the plan being tossed around. Do you honestly think all those happy little argumentative Washington people would sign off on socialized medicine? No way, the insurance companies are lining far too many of their pockets. I just wish all you soap boxers and doom and gloomers would stop being so negative and quit posting your propaganda all over the web, cuz guess what, we need health care reform.

Have you ever not been able to take your kid to the doctor because you couldn't afford it? When we didn't have insurance, I didn't have the opportunity to wait in line like a Canadian to get care for my kid. I just didn't get care.

Or how about this little fantastic episode. A few months ago my 1 year old son had a frightening case of croup. When he tried to inhale he was pulling so hard that not only the little soft spot in his neck sucked in, but his entire stomach caved in. I could see his rib cage with every breath. I took him to the all night instacare and the receptionist honestly said, "He doesn't have a fever? Do you know how expensive a visit here is?" The kid could barely breath and they were trying to turn me away! I told them I had insurance and suddenly it was okay for me to be there. While we were getting treated, the nurse said she had never seen a kid struggling that much to breath. I have to wonder what happens to the equally terrified mom who comes in and doesn't have insurance.

I know people whose medications cost them half their monthly salary. I know people who have been turned away from insurance companies or can only get extremely high priced plans because they have a pre-existing condition. Those of you whose insurance is happily covered by your work, do you know how much insurance costs if you are self employed or if your job doesn't cover it? At one point we paid almost $300 a month just to add Kate onto my plan since my job only covered me. $300 when my job was already paying equal to that for me, so, close to $600 a month?!? There has got to be something better than this! I just pray that by the time they sign off on a plan that makes everyone happy, it actually makes things better! If not, maybe I will move to Canada and see just how bad socialized medicine is first hand.

Someday. . .

2009-07-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

. . . I won't have to pack a 50 lb. "mom bag" everywhere I go.

. . . I will be able to take a long luxurious shower without worrying that someone will chop his/her finger off while I am in the bathroom.

. . . I will be able to poop in peace.

. . . I will not have to mow the lawn because the boys will be old enough to do it.

. . . I will be able to go to the grocery store alone.

. . . I will have enough money to remove some of my excess boobage and pick them up off my belly button.

. . . my house will stay clean for longer than 1.5 seconds.

. . . every statement or question directed at me won't begin with the words, "Um Mom"

. . . I won't have to deal with so much poop. (I mean that literally, not figuratively. One always has to deal with the figurative kind.)

. . . I will be able to sit down to a nice family dinner where everyone uses utensils and no one rubs food in their hair.

. . . I will not have to share every morsel of food I have.

. . . I will be able to have nice cold drink without someone putting their slimy hands in it and stealing my ice.

Metamorphosis

2009-07-12T15:22:00.001-07:00

I am afraid I may be morphing into Mama Fratelli. I can feel my face scrunching into a permanent scowl. Everything I say comes out in a growl and includes a threat.

I often find myself shoving the kids out of my bedroom door, slamming it shut and, in a very Mama-esque way, leaning my weary frumpy body against the door, heaving an exasperated sigh and grumbling, "Kids Suck."

It is probably a good thing we don't own a blender.

Apparently I'm not the only mother that has gone through this transformation. Bill Cosby's wife had the same problem.

Discussions with the 4 Year Old

2009-07-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

Me: Kate! Don't jump on the couch!

Kate: Why?

Me: Because you will break the couch!

Kate: And then what?

Me: Then we won't have a couch to sit on!

Kate: And then what?

Me: Then you will stand in the corner!

Kate: And then what?

Me: Then you will lose a movie!

Kate: And then what?

Me: Then I will beat your butt!

Kate: And then what?

What Happens at the Splash Park, Stays and the Splash Park

2009-06-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

I love splash parks! They are the greatest invention. Swimming without worrying about drowning. Awesome!

Something I have noticed about splash parks in my daily trips.

The kids love them too. More precisely they love the jets that shoot from the ground.

Where there is a jet, there is a little one squatting or sitting on it and an embarrassed mom gently trying to shoo them off without drawing attention to herself.

The kids line up, waiting their turn for a jet squat. My darling little Jonas is a jet hog. He doesn't let anyone else have a turn. Apparently he has discovered that a nice powerful stream of cool water feels good on the junk. I am the embarrassed parent who gave up on shooing him off and just sits on the bench mortified, yet trying not to snicker.

Repeated Conversation with a Crazy Pregnant Lady over a 12 Hour Car Trip

2009-06-16T19:13:00.001-07:00

Katrina: Did you turn the AC off again?!?

John: Sheepish look

Katrina: If you touch the AC again I am going to break your finger off!

John: Shivering uncontrollably But it is freeeeeezing.

Katrina: Smiling sweetly Better frozen than minus digits.

If Only I Were as Funny

2009-06-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

I read "The Toddler Contract" in a parenting magazine at my sis-n-law's house.

These are the highlights:

I. Food

5. For dinner I will have macaroni and cheese. Any attempts to give me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in tears.

a. And don't you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because, my God, how you will rue the day.

II. Television

1. The TV will be on all the time unless I say differently. You are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, while I watch my shows.

a. You may arise to fetch me a snack.

III. Toys.

1. There will be many.

a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I amay simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.

b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small pieces. I enjoy shooting noises that go w-shoooooop! or zim zim zim.

c. Nothing that results in any type of learning, please.

Thank you Parenting magazine writer, Alice Bradley, where ever you may be, for giving me a little chuckle.

I Never Gave My Cat a Name; How Can I Name a Baby?

2009-05-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

Naming kids is the hardest thing ever. It has to be a meaningful name, something the kid will be proud of, live up to. The first, middle and last name need to sound good when said all together. You don't want to give the kid the same name as half of the other babies his age. Sheesh. So much pressure. I hate it.

Here are some names I have been rolling around in my brain.

William Marquis Walker (Marquis is a family name on John's side it is pronounced "mark - us". Always liked it and wanted to use it as a middle name, but as you will read later, it has its issues.)

or the other way around

Marquis William Walker (then his teachers will never pronounce his name correctly)

I have issues with William which are too long and too stupid to discuss.

Love the name Fynn, but how to put it with Marquis.
Fynn Marquis - doesn't flow,
Marquis Fynn - going by middle name is always confusing,
Phineus Marquis- sounds ridiculous.

My mom suggested I use her maiden name as a name, Lewis. Not bad. But again it doesn't go with Marquis very well. "Lewis Marquis Aurelius"

Then there is Aiden. Always loved this name. It has been on the top 10 baby names list for as long as I have been naming kids though.

Or maybe Lucas. He could go by Luke and his middle name could be Sky. Luke Sky Walker!

A Few More Confessions

2009-05-29T05:58:00.001-07:00

I watch R rated movies and I like them.

I also read "dirty" books.

I don't watch or read trash. It must be "praiseworthy and of good report."

Life isn't rated PG. Most of life's most profound and meaningful moments are rated R.

Yakkity Yak

2009-05-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

I remember when Kate first started cooing. We grabbed the video camera and tried to immortalize her cute little voice.

Now, I wish I could find the duct tape.

Nasty Little Bastards!!!!

2009-05-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

Kate has been getting bug bites since we moved here. She only got them once in a while and at first we attributed them to the fire ants in our front yard. However, last time she got them she hadn't been in the front yard.

So, I began searching her room. I got the flash light, pulled the bed out from the wall and searched for the guilty party. I expected to find a spider. No, not a spider, a weird little flat bug with his nose buried in the carpet. I scooped the little guy up in a princess teacup, and took him into John and the computer.

Hmmm, not a beetle, not a flea, not a brown dog tick, a BED BUG!!!! What in the hell?!?!?!?!? I feel the bile rising to the surface.

As we continue to educate ourselves on everything bed bug, from the history to the methods of extermination, my nausea increases and I am on the verge of tears. Apparently the little bastards can survive for over a year with out a "blood meal." They just hide in a crack somewhere and wait for a new warm body to show up. They were most likely lying in wait when we moved into the house. (At least I don't remember picking up any used mattresses off the side of the road?)

After about 1/2 an hour of John researching and reporting the gruesome details, I am ready to start a bonfire in the backyard, burn all of our furniture, and move to a new house.

When I told John my plans, he said, "No."

The good news is: 1) we must not have a lot of them because we can't find all the other signs, like spotted mattress and walls from the little bastards' poop. 2) They generally don't spread to the rest of the house. 3) If they are in the bedding and stuffed animals all we have to do is pop them in the dryer for a few minutes and burn the little bastards and their spawn up. 4)John can spray the floor and walls once a week for a while and they should be taken care of.

I have quarantined Kate's room, she is now sleeping in the guest room, and I am dreaming of bed bugs the size of golf balls attacking me while I try and beat them to death with a sippy cup.

Nothing New Under the Sun

2009-05-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is kind of a follow-up to my post about Eragon.

I have come to the conclusion that if you have seen the Star Wars Trilogy and read the Tolkien books, you have seen just about every Fantasy plot line out there. And just to illustrate my point.

Thoroughly enjoyed the new Star Trek by the way! Just because it has been done over and over and over and over and over doesn't stop it from being incredibly entertaining

No Modesty in this Family

2009-05-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Every one of my kids has been proud to show us their parts.

"Um, I am not sure what I am looking at here. Could you maybe point another finger at it."
Sheesh, the technician must love pointy fingers.

Confessions of a Mormon Realist

2009-05-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

I don't see anything wrong with drinking decaf coffee or tea.

I love iced tea and have a jug of it in the fridge most of the time. I tell the kids it is punch.

I do think there is something wrong with drinking Diet Pepsi, but I can't stop.

Something interesting I noticed while studying the Word of Wisdom. It says we can drink mild barley drinks (D&C 89:17). The only mild barley drink I know of is beer. Hmmmm?!?

Boy or Girl?!?

2009-05-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

Thought I would try out the poll thing. We are hopefully finding out on Friday!!!!

Eragon and the Idiot Who Has to Finish Reading it

2009-05-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

I picked up Eragon the other day. I was bored, too lazy to go to the bookstore and too lazy to read anything really thought provoking. Thought provoking, Eragon is definitly not!

I am confused by why this book was such a huge hit. I am a little over halfway finished and this is how I would sum up the adventures of Eragon.

Travel a really long time to some city, make an asinine mistake, get attacked, in the process end up unconscious, get sorry ass rescued. Repeat and repeat and repeat.

I admit I am not a fan of fantasy, but this seems more tedious than the regular run of the mill fantasy/hero's journey. And what is it with his relationship with this dragon. Seems a little weird to me. I think maybe the author has some secret unclean thoughts about dragon lovin'. (Poor, unfortunate, socially awkward, homeschooled child)

And the biggest lame-o in this whole scenario is me. Cuz guess what, I am going to spend the entire day finishing the stupid book. Will he be able to save beautiful elf girl in his dreams? (Not that it matters, unless she is into sweet dragon three-somes) Who is Murtagh? And how the hell is stupid Eragon going to destroy the Empire?

Wait I see it all clearly now! Let me guess, big bad king dude is his father? "Eragon, I am your faaatheeer"

Kid raised by uncle who is tragically killed, kid goes to seek revenge and becomes a Jedi, oh I mean Dragon Rider. Kid is guided by old dude who turns out to be a Jedi, oh I mean Dragon Rider in hiding. Old dude dies forcing kid to test his own strength and knowledge. Kid then joins the Rebel forces, oh I mean the Varden.

If I keep reading maybe there will be Ewoks!

Joys of Motherhood

2009-03-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

Top 10 things I love about being Mom.

10. Tension headaches!
9. Waking early every morning to gigantic, stinky, poopy diaper.
8. The mom stutter. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" or "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
7. Cheerios on the floor, in my purse, in the car, in my bed, in the couch, . . . you get the idea.
8. Kate screaming from the bathroom, "I'm done!"
7. Permanent black marker all over the legs of our new table. (I swear we didn't even own a permanent black marker. Where the hell did he find that!?!"
6. Milk art on the carpet created with a drippy bottle.
5. When I forget I am in public and yell at the kid in my demon voice. Everyone stares at me with the "Wo, she's a psycho mom" look and then they give the children a look of pity.
4. Having to clean the stashed sippy or bottle now containing some sort of cheese rather than milk.
3. Needing to mop the kitchen floor everyday. (Needing to, not actually doing)
2. Kate telling everyone in line at the grocery store that I am an idiot. (I made a mistake filling out a deposit slip at the bank and said to the bank teller, "Sorry I'm an idiot." Kate won't let me forget it. She tells everyone!)
1. Jonas using my nipples as a hand hold for pulling himself up onto my lap.

Worst Calling Ever!

2009-03-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Please Heavenly Father, never ask me to be a nursery leader! I will say, "Noooooo."

10-15 18 mo. - 2 year olds, bawling, stinking, snotting. Shut in one room for 2 hours. After church is over and I pick up Jonas (who of course is sweet smelling, smiling, and clean) the room is warm, moist and smells like pee.

Baseball Hotty

2009-02-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's face it, the only thing I find interesting about watching baseball is the players. Apparently the player that has the largest female following on the Indians team is this fellow.

His name is Grady Sizemore and here is the picture I took of his backside wishing I had a camera with a better zoom.

Homesick

2009-02-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed of Logan. It was Spring. Everything was green and wet.

Surprise!

2009-02-09T12:32:00.001-08:00

So, yup folks, I am preggalicious, with child, in a family way, knocked up or got a bun in the oven, which ever euphemism you prefer. I have not wanted to tell people because of the huge amount of words I now have to eat. All those things I have said like, "Geeze! 2 years apart might have been a little too soon, I am waiting for at least another year." and "I am NOT ready to have another one." and "I think I will wait until Jonas is potty trained, then I won't have two in diapers" and "Eegads, I want to loose like 100 lbs. before I get pregnant again."

I have decided to come clean and spill the beans because my mom is dying to tell everyone and I think I am finally coming to terms with the situation. I admit I wasn't happy with the happy news. All my plans to loose weight, get in shape and run the Disneyland 1/2 marathon went in the garbage along with the double pink lined pee stick.

But now, I think I am okay with all of this. I am realizing if I want my kids to be better friends they probably need to be closer than 4 years apart. 2 1/2 years really is good spacing for them, even if it doesn't seem like it is for me. I also believe things like this usually happen for a reason. There is divine design in all our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really would have been ready to have number 3. Maybe this is God's way of keeping things moving in the right direction, or maybe he just enjoys a good laugh now and then.

The Grass Man's Backyard

2009-02-03T06:59:00.001-08:00

Yes my friends, that is outdoor carpet.

In all fairness I am the one that asked him to put it down. I was hoping it would help keep some of the sand out of my kitchen. Alas, Jonas brings it in by the handful.

Church, Our Weekly Dose of Torture

2009-01-25T16:37:00.000-08:00

It begins before we even step foot inside the church. I really thought this morning we would be in good shape because I was up, kids were fed and getting in the tub at 10. Church is at 11:30 so we had 1 hour and 20 minutes to get it together.

John is awake and we were on a roll. Shrieks from the bathtub pierce my ears. "Jonas! Stop beating your sister with the mermaid Barbie!" "Kate! You have to let him have some of the toys. You can't hog all 75 tub toys!" Putting on make-up, getting hit in the leg by a flying yellow duck, we still aren't doing so bad. John baths the kids and I get my hair done.

Kate's turn to get dressed. "I want to wear my purple Daphne shoes."

"No!

Whiny, "But why? I want to!" Cry, cry, whine whine.

"They don't match, they are dirty and they stink! Put your church shoes on!"

"I want da. . . "

"I don't care, put these on before I kick your Daphne hiney!"

It is 11:20. Kids both ready, Mom ready, church bag weighing approx. 500 lbs almost ready. Walk into kitchen. Hubby eating breakfast, shirt on, pants on, no socks, no tie, no shoes, no shave. What?!? Wife explodes.

Go put kids in car while hubby finishes getting ready. Jonas turns into an unbendable, kicking, grunting octopus as I try to shove him in the car seat and get him buckled. Kate climbs all over the car, anywhere but her seat. "Get in your car seat and buckle yourself this instant!!!!" My eyes squinty. Is that a smoke starting to curl from my ears?

Arrive at church in time for sacrament. In our world that is on time, but we have to sit in the cultural hall, so far back we are up against the stage. I can barely make out the pulpit from this distance.

Jonas starts to run away. I grab onto his arm to prevent him from escaping. He is okay with this for a little while then he begins to lean. If I let go he will crash to the ground, smack his head and begin screaming so I let him down to the floor gently. He gets up, I grab his arm again. Soon he realizes that while he is still lying on the ground he can scoot away from me. Then when he stands up he will be out of my reach and can run like lighting.

This entire time Kate is trying to climb in my lap, play with my jewelry, rub my hair, grind her sharp chin into my sternum, and make me read to her.

I give up. I take Jonas out where I have to chase him in the halls and keep him from running back into the chapel.

A few minutes later, John joins me with Kate.

Finally Sacrament meeting is over. Hooray for Primary! After we drop the kids off we look in each others haggard faces. "So, how about we just leave the kids and go to Sonic instead of Gospel Doctrine. I need a Diet Coke!" I suggest. We seriously consider it and then drag ourselves back into the chapel.

Don't remember much about the GD lesson I was still decompressing..

The relief society lesson was on being reverent and keeping the proper spirit during Sacrament meeting. One of the quotes in the lesson honestly said something about it being better to sleep during the meeting than to read the Ensign because the sound of turning pages might disrupt those around you. Umm Yeah right! Like you can hear magazine pages turning over the sounds of all the families just like mine barely keeping it together.

And why do we keep going? Because Kate learned about Daniel and the Lion's Den and about how Jesus is magic. And geeze life would be difficult without faith, eternal families, a loving God and Savior.

Confession

2009-01-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I hate living here! I have tried to be positive, and it will get better when we meet some people, and wow, the weather is great. It sucks. There are no trees and I am sick of having no friends and I want to go home.

Me Mum's Scarf

2009-01-10T14:35:00.001-08:00

I got this swell idea in November to knit scarves for Christmas gifts. I only finished one for me mum.

This year I am starting early. I am in the middle of two now! Okay, so one is just so damn cute I can't part with it, but hopefully by December I will have a some to give away and not a whole pile of them for me!

Oh, and if you say I am crafty I will sock you in the nose. I am not Crafty!

I am a Baker! I Bake!

2009-01-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

While my mom was at my house she threatened to take one of my Christmas presents away. It was a big, beautiful book on baking (try and say that 3 times fast). Her reasons for this were as follows:

1. When I pulled out my Kitchen Aide to make Christmas cookies it had cobwebs in it.

2. I had none of the basic baking ingredients on hand, no shortening, no brown sugar, only 2 cups of regular sugar. Hey at least I had flour!

3. Each time my mom got frustrated, I replied, "Hey! I don't bake!"

The reasons I don't bake are:

1. Baking = high fat, high sugar, no nutrition. If it isn't those things it is gagga magga!

2. If there is a pan of brownies in my house, I have to eat it, all of it, and I am not happy until it is gone!

3. Not really all that skilled. I understand cooking, spices, ways to thicken things, substitutions that work. Baking - - not so much. I don't understand why things will raise or go flat or how a batter should look to achieve desired results.

So, I decided to get over my irrational fears. If I bake once in a while it is not going to kill me, and if I don't do it I will never learn the skills, and the things in that book look really good.

I am now going to bake on Sundays. This Sunday I made Cherry Pie.

And here is the recipe:

1. Go to the freezer and get Marie Callender's frozen cherry pie. (The brand is important. Marie is the only one who can make a decent cherry!)

2. Take the pie out of the box, remove the plastic, and put it on a cookie sheet. If you don't remove the plastic, you will be really disappointed.

3. Read the directions on the box. Turn on the oven. Honestly, who has the foresight to pre-heat?

4. Pop that baby in the oven and bake.

Serve with vanilla ice cream on top.

Not Sure a Cat is a Good Pet for Toddlers

2009-01-01T07:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am amazed that Kitty even steps foot inside our house. Kate likes to pin her, trap her, and squish her in an effort to "play" with her. Carry her around by her neck, drag her along the floor by her collar, attach various belts and ties to her collar. Good Grief! It is not surprising that Kate is usually sporting several cat scratches on her arms and sometimes face.

Yesterday Kate had to stand in the corner for 10 minutes and lost 2 Scooby Doo videos after she clipped a strap from her dance bag to the cat and then to a binky, pinned the cat under her bed, and the final straw was when I went in her room and the cat was locked inside the oven of her new toy kitchen set. Mmmm Kitty Caserole! I am sure Kate would be happy to give you the recipe.

I guess it isn't as bad as John's cousin's kids who gave their cat a bath with vaseline. The cat and I should be grateful I guess.

Suggestions for the Next Version of Wii Fit

2008-12-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

We got Wii Fit for Christmas from John's parents. It is a lot of fun.

For those of you who are unfamiliar it is a balance board that looks quite a bit like a bathroom scale. It senses your weight shifts to measure your balance and movements. The game has strength, yoga, aerobic and balance exercises.

The game also contains lots of comments, words of encouragement, etc. that are not so subtle hints that you are fat and out of shape. I think the phrases should be less passive-agressive and more direct.

Each day you are supposed to weigh yourself and do a little balance test. It gives you your BMI number. When I step on the bar goes up and up and up and up and then the game says, "That's Obese!" I think the new version should say something like. "Wo, you're a fatty!"

When I step on the balance board to begin an activity the game says "Ohw" It's kind of a combination of "Oh" and "Ouch"

When Kate steps on (she has a healthy weight) the game says, "Great!"

Maybe in the next version it could say various phrases like, "Get off! I can't breath!" or if you haven't played in a while, "Hey, Fat Ass, I missed ya" or maybe just a simple "Good Grief!"

As you play your trainer gives you tips, suggestions and encouragement. Mostly they just insult you in a friendly voice. May I suggest some straight forward phrases like,

"Hmmm, you kind of suck at this, keep up the work and maybe you will improve."

"Wow, I am surprised that someone as chunky as you can actually finish this exercise."

"Better luck next time, Spazzo!"

Evil, Evil, Evil Brownies!

2008-12-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

I can't post this recipe on my other blog because, well, it is not conducive to weight loss in any way. My philosophy is don't deny yourself and make choices. Like I choose to have a brownie, not emotional eating an entire pan out of control. These brownies paralyze your power to say "No thanks, I am good with just one"

Praline Brookies

Ingredients

1 box brownie mix (plus the eggs, veggie oil and water)

1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup milk
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup coarsely chopped pecans (which I leave out because pecans are icky)
1/2 tsp vanilla

1 roll refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough

1. Heat oven to 350 and Pam-up a 13x9 baking pan. Prepare your brownie mix as directed on the box. Spread batter evenly in pan. Lick spoon and bowl clean. Bake 25 min.

2. While that is in the oven, in a saucepan heat butter, milk, sugars, pecans and vanilla to boiling over medium heat, stirring constantly. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer 3 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and set aside until brownies are baked.

3. Pull brownies out of oven and promptly pour praline mixture over them. Cut the cookie dough into 16 slices and lay them on top in 3 rows of 5 slices each and then use the last slice to fill in the spaces. (Ya, whatever, crumble the cookie dough on top and try not to squish the half baked brownies)

4. Stick the pan back in the oven for another 23 -28 minutes. Now, lick the praline spoon and pan clean. Once the ooey gooey goodness is done let it cool 2 hours (or 5 minutes).

This recipe came out of a fantastic cookie and bar book called Best of the Pillsbury Bake-Off Cookies & Bars

Aah, Thanks Disneyland!

2008-12-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Disneyland sent THIS to my e-mail. I love them!!

New Blog

2008-12-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

Yes I started yet another blog. I will probably have to downsize one of these days.

I am trying something a little different. I got really pissed off about the stress weight I gained last month so I thought about going to a trainer at my gym. Way too expensive. So then I thought about why I needed a trainer. It came down to accountability. I need something that won't let me quit. I had great success on good old weight watchers because I had to stand on the stupid scale every week in front of someone. So, I decided to blog about it. Can't quit because all of you would know.

I am also putting advertising on that blog. I am interested to see if you can in fact make any money blogging.

With that said, here is the new blog address. http://dietprogramdropout.blogspot.com

Then Why Don't I Have Evil Minions to Do My Bidding?

2008-12-06T09:08:00.001-08:00

This is what I feel like today.

Aren't You a Funny One

2008-11-24T14:21:00.001-08:00

Turned on the computer today. This was the picture on the desktop.

Ha, Ha. Wait. You are making fun of me! I have something to say! And it is important!

. . . . . So, you wanna hear about my day of TV watching and lounging?

Lies and Poop at the Zoo

2008-11-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

One thing I find amusing about going to the zoo is listening to parents lie to their children.

>> "The carousel is closed" Hmmm, why is it playing music, while turning with kids on it?

>> "They are playing a game." No, pretty sure that big iguana is going to kick that little iguana's ass. Run little one, run!!!!

>> "They are all out of soda." Hey, can I get a Diet Coke, Root Beer and Sprite. Thanks.

I also love it when my 3 year old asks me questions, but then corrects my answers.

Kiddo - How do the goats go poop?
Me - The same way you do.
Kiddo - No, they open that thing. (As she points to sphincter under goat's tail)

American = Bigoted Ignoramous?

2008-11-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Names have been changed to protect the morons.

I received this email from oh, lets just call her Jack A. Stupidhead.

This one is impossible to believe. Scroll down for the text.

If there is only one thing you forward today. . . . . let it be this!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan Am Flight 103!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001!

REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!

Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class Holiday postage stamp.

REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp.

When purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.

REMEMBER to pass this along to every Christian and / or Patriotic AMERICAN that you know!!!

I would ask you to remember a few things Jack!

REMEMBER the KKK and all of the hate, murder and distruction they stand for? CHRISTIAN!

REMEMBER The Army of God who believe that murdering doctors who perform Abortions is "justifiable homicide"? CHRISTIAN!

REMEMBER the Aryan Nations? CHRISTIAN!

REMEMBER David Koresh?

REMEMBER slavery? People used the Bible and Christianity to justify their actions!

That is just in our own country AMERICA. If you want to see just how much pain and suffering is caused by Christianity look here.

Christianity is not evil, but there are some who believe it's doctrine justifies their heinous actions.

Islam is not evil either.

Before you spread hate, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?"

Oh, and check your mailbox Jack. I will be sending you a Christmas card and I am going to plaster the envelope with as many of these lovely stamps as I can find room for.

Stench

2008-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

While perusing the deli section at the grocery store a foul stench wafted in my direction. "Jonas?" I heft the puzzled toddler out of the cart, tip him on his head and sniff his behind. "Hmmm, doesn't seem to be you."

Strolling through the breakfast foods. "Ewww I can smell it over the powerful aroma of coffee? That has got to be Jonas!" Butt in the air again. "Maybe?" Jonas is wearing his zip-up, footy sleeper because I didn't have time to get him dressed this morning. Unzip PJ's try to reach around and peek in diaper. Jammies are in the way. Still can't tell. Strip poor kid down to the waist in the middle of the isle, check diaper. "Huh? It isn't you? Who could it be?"

We continue through the store. Dairy section, I can still smell it. Now I am paranoid, who is the stinky SOB following me through the store?!?

All the while, Kate is sitting in the cart munching on a green olive sample from the new fangled Antipasto bar. We get to the checkout, I bend down to help Kate out of the cart and it hit me, the stench in all it's glory. All along it had been Kate's olive.

Mmmmm, olive anyone?

Legacy

2008-11-12T16:25:00.000-08:00

I interrupt my usual ranty style of blogging for a moment of cheesiness.

I love Disneyland. My family made an annual trip to Disneyland throughout my childhood. Usually family included my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins in various combinations. I am grateful I was able to go as a child when I believed everything was real, and could truly experience the magic. Most of the wonder and awe is still there for me all tied up with memories of my family and good times.

Cousins, remember when we went on the people mover over and over and over and shouted at people below us. Remember how our moms would always spend what seemed like hours debating when to meet back at the sword in the stone. Remember in teen years going on the canoes just to flirt with the hot workers paddling them. Remember being a little afraid that the pirates might actually sink your little boat or one of those fiery beams would fall on you. Remember when I took you all on Splash Mt. and you were wild and aweful in the line. I am sure it was partly my fault because I was bossy and rude. Remember trying to touch the jewels in Snow White or steal some gold from the pirate's treasure room. Remember "Hurry back, Hurry ba-ack. We're dying to see you." and "Hold on to your hats and glasses, cause this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness." Mmmm and the smell of hot churros.

So when I take my own little family it feels like I am passing on a legacy of Disney to the next generation. For me it truly is a magical place and I am glad I had the opportunity to share it with Kate.

It was moments like this one. Watching Kate take it all in. Couldn't choke back the tears.

Musings in the Hotel Lobby

2008-11-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Here I sit in the hotel lobby eating pretty crappy continental breakfast. Yum. I am impatiently waiting for the kids and John to wake up. So, I just thought I would write a few things about our vacation to Disneyland.

Things that make you go Hmmm?

The first day we were at Disneyland was Goth Day.

Kind of ironic isn't it? Goth day at the happiest place on Earth?

Opposites Attract

John and I are different types of vacationers. I am kind of a fast and furious, don't miss a thing, you can sleep at home kind of vacationer. John is more of a enjoy sleeping in, mosey over to the park, ride a few rides, we can get the rest next time kind of vacationer.

Yesterday was my day. Got to the park at 8:10. It opens at 8:00, so really we were very late. I would have preferred to be in line at the gate at 7. We made a bee-line to rides that usually have long lines. We only hit about 4 rides before the kids started crashing. By 6:00 the kids were beyond done. Kate fell asleep in the car on the way to the hotel and is still asleep at 8 this morning.

So, yesterday didn't work out all that well. Today we are trying John's version. I am antsy!!!! Maybe I will go back to the room and pretend to dry my hair. John may be able to sleep through the hairdryer, but Kate can't!

Election Reflection

2008-11-08T06:05:00.000-08:00

Still very busy. Pile of boxes waning. A few disjointed reflections on the election.

I voted. It was hard because I was not on top of things enough to get my ballot in the mail on time. I drove around Buckeye for hours looking for a place to drop the damn thing off.

I voted for Obama and I am proud of it! I never really considered race in my decision, honestly. But now after he has been elected, the magnitude of "The First African American President" makes me a little teary.

McCain campaign, stop crucifying Pallin. I agree she is kind of an idiot, but don't blame her for losing the election. You didn't stand a chance because Bush has been the worst president in history.

Don't want to hear about gay marraige anymore.

Something I don't understand: Republicans would vote for a horse's ass before voting for a qualified Democrat.

Chris Buttars - reelected Utah Senator- Famous for saying such awesome things as, "Well, I think Brown vs. Board of Education was wrong to begin with." and to explain why evolution shouldn't be taught in schools he said he had seen a dog and he has seen a cat, but he had never seen a "dat". He is a bully and an ass. Seriously? People voted for him?

Ted Stevenson - Reelected Alaska Senator - convicted felon. I don't know all of the ins and outs of this one, but a felon. Really?